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5×08 The Parent ‘Hood – Old Men Can’t Jump

5×08 The Parent ‘Hood – Old Men Can’t Jump


WELL, I’VE GOT EVERYTHING. LET’S SEE IF I REMEMBER
THE MOVES. ¶ MY BACK IS ACHING,
MY PANTS TOO TIGHT ¶ ¶ MY HIPS ARE SHAKING
FROM LEFT TO RIGHT ¶ TO THE LEFT,
TO THE RIGHT. TO THE LEFT, TO — HEY. HEY, BABY. YOU’RE HOME. HOW WAS PRACTICE? REAL MEN
DON’TPRACTICEBASKETBALL. THEY PLAY IT. THAT’S RIGHT, JERRI.
BALLING IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. WELL, TAKE IT SLOW. YOU DON’T WANT TO OVERDO IT
BEFORE THE BIG ALUMNI GAME. KELLY AND I
CAN HOOP IT UP ALL DAY. REALLY, YOU HAVEN’T
PLAYED IN MONTHS. IT’S LIKE A BICYCLE.
YOU NEVER LOSE IT. WE ARE MEN-SES,
ALL RIGHT? AND AS MEN-SES,
WE CAN HANDLE THIS. OH, YEAH, RIGHT. I GUESS
I SHOULDN’T WORRY, HUH? YOU CERTAINLY SHOULD NOT. YOU JUST KEEP WORRYING ABOUT YOUR LITTLE CHEERLEADER,
SHAKY, SHAKY, POMPOM THING. OH, I HAVE TO CALL
THE GIRLS ABOUT PRACTICE. YOU DO THAT, HONEY.
YOU DO THAT. OH!
OH! MY KNEES HURT. ICE, ICE. HELP ME, ROB.
I CAN’T FEEL MY TOES. HEY, MOM. HEY, ZARIA.
YOU KNOW, HONEY, SOME OF MY CHEERS
SEEM OUTDATED. SHOW ME SOME OF THOSE
NEW MOVES I CAN USE. OH, OKAY. WATCH. UNH, UNGAWA!
UNH, WE GOT THE POWER! WHAT? UNH, UNGAWA, UNH, WE GOT THE POWER! BREAK IT DOWN. THANKS, BUT NO, THANKS. OH, OKAY, MOM. I’LL THINK I’LL STICK
TO WHAT I WAS DOING. HEY. HEY, T.K.,
HOW WAS PRACTICE? MOSTLY, GORDON AND I
JOKED ABOUT THE LAME GUYS WE’RE PLAYING AGAIN THIS YEAR
AT THE ALUMNI GAME. LAME GUYS?
YOU MUST HAVE FORGOT THAT KELLY AND I
ARE ON THE TEAM. RECOGNIZE. UH, NO, ACTUALLY,
WE DIDN’T. HA HA HA. YOU’RE JUST GOING
TO STAND THERE AND LAUGH
IN FRONT OF OUR FACES? OH, OUR BAD. EXCUSE US. [ LAUGHING ] EXCUSE ME, GORDON.
WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT? AREN’T YOU THE WATER BOY? UH, THAT’S EX-WATER BOY. I AM NOW THE TEAM’S
SECRET WEAPON, SO LA-DA-DEE-DA-DA. GORDON, TEASING IS
VERY UNSPORTSMANLIKE. IT’S ALL RIGHT, JERRI.
WE TEASE ‘CAUSE WE LOVE. HONEY, IT’S JUST A LITTLE
PRE-GAME TRASH TALKING. IT’S ALL GOING TO BE
SETTLED ON THE COURT. IT’S GOING TO BE SETTLED THE SAME WAY IT’S BEEN SETTLED
THE PAST 10 YEARS — THE YOUNG DOGS
ARE GOING TO WIN. OH, YEAH? NO. THIS YEAR
WE’RE GOING TO WIN BECAUSE YOU’RE GOING
TO BE FACING THE PETERSON BROTHERS. WE ARE LIKE PIPPIN
AND JORDAN. BAM. MAGIC AND KAREEM. OOH. FRED AND GRADY. BAM. HA HA. VERY FUNNY,
VERY FUNNY, BUT THIS YEAR,
WE’RE GOING TO WIN. ROB HAS PULLED
THE TEAM TOGETHER. WE HAVE SWEATED MORE.
WE HAVE WORKED HARDER. NOW WE ARE MEN OF STEEL. WORD. OW, ROB, MAN.
MY FUNNY BONE. MR. P., IT’S NOT WHETHER
YOU WIN OR LOSE. IT’S HOW YOU PLAY THE GAME. THAT’S THE SPIRIT, T.K. SINCE Y’ALL PLAY LIKE OLD MEN,
WE’RE GOING TO WIN. OLD MEN?
WE’RE STILL YOUNG. MM-HMM,
YOUNG ANDFINE. EVEN IF WE WERE
80 YEARS OLD, WE COULD STILL WIPE THE COURT
WITH YOU YOUNG PUPS. AIN’T THAT RIGHT, ROB? 80 YEARS OLD? T.K., I STILL
GOT SKILLS. I STILL GOT SKILLS,
YOUNG BOY. WATCH THIS, WATCH THIS. SEE THAT? I DIDN’T SEE NOTHING. THAT’S WHY THEY CALL ME
LIGHTNING ROB. HA HA HA. PASS ME THE BALL, ROB. PASS ME THE BALL. HERE YOU GO.
HERE YOU GO. SHAKE AND BAKE. YAHEE! HEY, KELLY,
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? DEPENDS. DEPENDS ON WHAT? ON MY DEPENDS. THEY’RE STARTING TO FILL UP. WHERE YOU AT, YOUNG BLOOD?
WHERE YOU AT? THE BALL, KELLY! I GOT HIM, ROB! KELLY, THE BALL! [ Old man voice ]
BALL, KELLY! BALL! GIVE IT TO ME! WHAT IS HE DOING? IT’S A FAMILY SECRET. AIN’T NO SECRET Y’ALL GOING
TO LOSE ON FRIDAY NIGHT. OH, YEAH? WOULD YOU CARE
TO PUT $1,000 THAT WE WIN? KELLY,
YOU DON’T HAVE $1,000. OH, YEAH? THEN LET’S
MAKE IT A MILLION. I CANNOT BELIEVE
WHAT I AM HEARING. YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO BET ON A FRIENDLY GAME
THAT’S RIDICULOUS. JERRI’S RIGHT. PUT ME DOWN FOR $20
ON YOU GUYS. BUT I GOT A BETTER IDEA
FOR A BET. T.K., IF YOU
AND YOUR GUYS WIN, THEN KELLY AND I WILL DO
YOUR CHORES FOR A MONTH. AND WE’LL DO THEM
DRESSED LIKE FRENCH MAIDS. WHAT? IF YOU GUYS WIN,
I CLEAN THIS WHOLE HOUSE EVERY DAY
FOR THE NEXT YEAR. BET? BET. BET. BOOM. Both:
READY FOR SCHOOL, MOM. NOT SO FAST. UH-OH.
WHAT DID WE DO WRONG? I TALKED
TO KAMAL’S MOTHER. SHE ASKED ME WHY WE WERE
MOVING TO JAMAICA. OH, THAT. HA HA HA HA. YOU KNOW,
IT’S THE FUNNIEST THING. YOU’RE GOING TO LAUGH WHEN
I TELL YOU WHY WE SAID THAT. UH, LAUGHING BOY,
SHE’S NOT LAUGHING. WE SAID THAT, MOM, BECAUSE WE DON’T WANT
KAMAL COMING OVER ANYMORE. HE STAYED HERE LAST WEEKEND.
THERE WASN’T A PROBLEM. OH, IF YOU ONLY KNEW. MOM, THAT KID
IS SO ANNOYING. YEAH, HE CHEATS
ON ALL OF THE GAMES, AND HIS NOSE
IS ALWAYS RUNNING. AND THOSE ARE
HIS GOOD POINTS. I SEE, BUT I DON’T THINK
THE SOLUTION IS TO MAKE UP A LIE. EVEN IF IT’S
FOR A GOOD REASON? THERE IS NEVER A GOOD ENOUGH
REASON TO TELL A LIE. NOW I WANT YOU TWO
TO PROMISE ME THAT YOU WILL ALWAYS
TELL THE TRUTH, OKAY? OK
OKAY. OH, NICK, GOOD LUCK
ON YOUR SPELLING TEST. DID YOU STUDY HARD? MOM, DO I HAVE TO START
TELLING THE TRUTH TODAY? OKAY, WE SET THE PICK
ON T.K. HERE. THEN, KELLY, YOU DRIVE
TO THE BASKET FOR THE LAYUP, AND BAM, TWO POINTS. ALL RIGHT. ANY OTHER QUESTIONS? WHO PLAYED THE RED 3? THAT’S MINE. GUYS, ANY QUESTIONS
ABOUT BASKETBALL? LET ME SAY SOMETHING, ROB.
LISTEN UP, GUYS! THE HIGH SCHOOL TEAM
HAS BEATEN US 10 YEARS IN A ROW. ARE WE GOING TO LET
THAT HAPPEN AGAIN? NOT WHILE I’M HERE,
AND DO YOU KNOW WHY? OOH, YOU HAVE THREE KINGS.
PUT THOSE TOGETHER. WHAT MY EASILY DISTRACTED
BROTHER IS TRYING TO SAY — WE CAN BEAT THESE KIDS, GUYS. THAT’S RIGHT. WE’RE
THE HUDSON HIGH HIPPOS. YOU KNOW WHY
THEY CALL US HIPPOS? HENRY HUDSON, THE FOUNDER
OF OUR HIGH SCHOOL — HE BROUGHT BACK A HIPPO
WHEN HE WENT TO SAFARI. THAT’S ONE OF THE REASONS, BUT THE OTHER REASON
IS THAT WE’RE BIG, WE’RE TOUGH,
AND WE ARE STRONG, AND IF WE PLAY AS A TEAM,
WE CAN BEAT THESE KIDS. COME ON. LET’S GET OUT THERE
AND SHOW ME YOUR STUFF! HIPPOS! HIPPOS! HIPPOS! BRING IT ON, BABY. ROB. [ PANTING ] OKAY, OKAY. THAT WAS — THAT WAS A PRETTY GOOD
PRACTICE, GUYS. WE MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIT
OUT OF SHAPE. BELIEVE ME,
WE CAN TAKE THESE GUYS. YOUNG DOGS, YOUNG DOGS, YOUNG DOGS, YOUNG DOGS,
YOUNG DOGS! YOUNG DOGS! YOUNG DOGS! UH, ROB,
THEY LOOK PRETTY GOOD. IT DOESN’T MATTER. IF WE PLAY TOGETHER
AS A TEAM, WE CAN BEAT THESE GUYS. YOUNG DOGS! HEY, THEY MAY LOOK GOOD
IN PRACTICE, BUT WAIT TILL WE GET THEM
IN THE REAL GAME. ONCE WE GET
OUR FORWARD STEVE BACK, WE’RE GOING TO BE
ALL RIGHT. RIGHT, STEVE? CLEAR! [ CHEERING ] HEY, GUYS,
I’M READY TO GO. HOW DO YOU LIKE
MY OUTFIT? OH, FINE, IF YOU PUT IT
ON SOMEBODY ELSE. WHO ARE YOU
GOING OUT WITH? DARIUS. WHO IS THAT? OH, JUST THE FINEST GUY IN THE ENTIRE
SENIOR CLASS. WHY WOULD HE WANT
TO GO OUT WITH YOU? WHY WOULDN’T HE? WELL, TO BE HONEST,
YOU’RE KIND OF BOSSY. YEAH, AND YOU CAN’T COOK. AND THAT HAIR
OF YOURS — OOH, OOH, OOH, IT JUST
AIN’T HAPPENING, GIRL. IS IT MY TURN? GUYS, LOOK,
NOBODY’S PERFECT. I MEAN, EVEN FINE DARIUS
HAS A LITTLE DANDRUFF. [ DOORBELL RINGS ] HEY, DARIUS, COME ON IN. HEY, WHAT’S UP? HOW’S THE FLAKING? EXCUSE ME? OH, MAN, YOU KNOW,
YOUR DANDRUFF. UH, DARIUS, LET’S GO.
WE DON’T WANT TO BE LATE. I DON’T HAVE DANDRUFF. LET’S GO. NICE TO MEET YOU,
MR. FLAKY. I WILL DEAL
WITH YOU TWO LATER. IT’S NO USE, ROB. WE JUST CAN’T PLAY
ANYMORE. YES, WE CAN,
AND I’M GOING TO SHOW YOU, AS SOON AS
THESE MUSCLES SPASMS STOP. THOSE KIDS ARE GOING
TO BEAT US BAD, ROB. WE OUGHT TO STICK
TO STUFF WE’RE GOOD AT, LIKE SITTING. AND NAPPING. AND WATCHING TV. AND PLAYING CARDS. GUYS, OUR PRAYERS
HAVE BEEN ANSWERED. KELLY, WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT? WE JUST PICKED UP A GUY
I GUARANTEE YOU WILL HELP US WIN
THAT GAME TOMORROW. I WAS SHOOTING SOME HOOPS
DOWN AT THE PARK. YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHO
CAME UP TO ME AND SAID, “MAN, YOU’RE REALLY BAD.” ACTUALLY, HE SAID,
“MAN, YOU REALLY STINK.” KELLY, KELLY,
WHO WAS IT? NONE OTHER THAN
THE DOCTOR HIMSELF — JULIUS IRVING! BUT, KELLY, WHAT DOES
DR. J. HAVE TO DO WITH US? I TOLD HIM
ABOUT OUR GAME TOMORROW. HE SAID HE WILL BE THERE
TO MAKE SURE WE WIN. WHO GOT DR. J.?
GIVE ME SOME. [ CHEERING ] ¶ WE GOT DR. J. ¶ ¶ WE GOT DR. J. ¶ WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WAIT A MINUTE. TO PLAY IN THE GAME, HE’S GOT TO BE
A HUDSON HIGH ALUMNI. ¶ NO MORE DR. J.,
NO MORE DR. J. ¶ NO, FELLAS.
THAT’S THE BEAUTY OF IT. DR. J. WENT TO HUDSON HIGH
FOR TWO DAYS BACK IN THE TURBULENT ’60s. WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE. HE HASN’T PLAYED
FOR A WHILE. MAYBE HE LOST
SOME SKILLS. HEY, GUYS, HE’S DR. J.,
ALL RIGHT? EVEN IF HE LOST
ALL OF HIS SKILLS, HE WOULD STILL BE BETTER
THAN ALL OF US. YOU GOT
A GOOD POINT THERE. WAY TO GO, KELLY. GUYS, GATHER AROUND. WHOO! WE’RE GOING TO SHOW
THOSE LITTLE DOGS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY RUN
WITH THE BIG DOGS! [ BARKING ] MOM, YOU HAVE TO TALK
TO NICHOLAS AND CECE. WHAT ABOUT, BABY? THEY MADE ME AND JAMIE
HAVE THIS BIG, HUGE FIGHT. WE’RE PROBABLY NEVER GOING
TO SPEAK TO EACH OTHER AGAIN. OH, HOW DID
THEY DO THAT? THEY TOLD HER
I WAS TALKING ABOUT HER NEW HAIRSTYLE
BEHIND HER BACK. ZARIA, THAT’S TERRIBLE. WHY ON EARTH WOULD THEY
SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT? PROBABLY BECAUSE
I WAS TALKING ABOUT HER NEW HAIRSTYLE
BEHIND HER BACK. ZARIA. MOM, NICHOLAS AND CECE
ARE RUINING MY LIFE. THEY EVEN TOLD DARIUS WHAT
I SAID ABOUT HIS DANDRUFF. MAN, I WOULD LIKE
TO MEET THE PEA BRAIN WHO GOT THEM STARTED
ON THIS TRUTH KICK. UH, ZARIA,
I THINK YOUR MOUTH HAS GOTTEN YOU
INTO ENOUGH TROUBLE TODAY. NICHOLAS? CECE? Both: YES, MOMMY? OH, DON’T TRY TO ACT
ALL INNOCENT. ZARIA, PLEASE.
I’LL HANDLE THIS. IF YOU NEED SOME IDEAS ON HOW
TO PUNISH THEM, CALL ME. WHAT’S WRONG
WITH HER? WELL, GUYS, SHE’S UPSET
ABOUT THE THINGS YOU’VE BEEN SAYING
TO HER FRIENDS. BUT WE TOLD THE TRUTH. WE’VE BEEN TELLING EVERYONE
THE TRUTH. YEAH. I EVEN TOLD DREW HE LOOKS STUPID
IN HIS LUCKY HAT. HA HA HA. HOW DO YOU THINK
THAT MADE DREW FEEL? WELL, ACTUALLY,
HE TURNED AROUND AND HIT ME. OH, NICHOLAS, CECE, I KNOW I TOLD YOU
IT’S BETTER TO BE HONEST, BUT I ALSO TOLD YOU
IT’S IMPORTANT TO CONSIDER
PEOPLE’S FEELINGS. I GUESS WE’RE MAKING
PEOPLE FEEL BAD, HUH? YEAH, YOU ARE. DOES THAT MEAN WE SHOULD
STOP TELLING THE TRUTH? NO. YOU HAVE TO FIND A WAY
TO TELL THE TRUTH WITHOUT HURTING
PEOPLE’S FEELINGS. IF YOU CAN’T THINK OF
ANYTHING NICE TO SAY… Both: DON’T SAY
ANYTHING AT ALL. RIGHT. WELL, I DID
A GOOD JOB WITH THAT, DON’T YOU THINK? NEVER MIND. LET’S GET READY
FOR THE GAME. COME ON. ROB, WITH DR. J.,
WE ARE GOING TO KILL THEM. YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT, KELLY. HE’S GOING TO OPERATE
ON THOSE YOUNG BOYS TONIGHT. WHAT TIME IS HE GOING
TO MEET US THERE? [ TELEPHONE RINGS ] HE SAID HE WAS
GOING TO CALL. HELLO? IT’S THE DOCTOR,
MAKING A HOUSE CALL. WHAT UP?
OH, TIGHT, TIGHT, TIGHT. ALL RIGHT, COOL, COOL. BOTH OF THEM? ALL RIGHT, THEN. PEACE, PEACE. WHAT DID HE SAY? HE AIN’T COMING.
ROB, HE AIN’T COMING. WHAT ARE
WE GOING TO DO? LOSE. LOOK, SNAP OUT OF IT. WE DIDN’T NEED DR. J. WE’RE THE HIPPOS.
WE CAN STILL WIN. RIGHT. WE’RE GOING TO WHIP SOME YOUNG BUTT
TONIGHT, RIGHT? RIGHT, RIGHT. OH, WE’RE GOING
TO LOSE, ROB! PLAY BALL! Girls: DEFENSE! DEFENSE! Women: DEFENSE! MAN, WE ARE GETTING
KILLED OUT THERE, ROBERT. KILLED?
WE’RE GETTING SLAUGHTERED. WE’RE GETTING MASSACRED.
WE’RE GETTING ANNIHILATED. GUYS, GUYS,
WE’RE STILL IN THE GAME. ROB, THIS GAME WAS OVER
BEFORE IT EVEN STARTED. IF ANYBODY HERE DOESN’T FEEL
LIKE PLAYING, GO HOME. YO, I’LL CATCH YOU
LATER, ROB. LOOK, THEY MIGHT HAVE
YOUTH AND MUSCLE, BUT WE GOT EXPERIENCE. AND IF WE PLAY TOGETHER
AS A TEAM, WE CAN WIN. NOW WHO’S WITH ME? YOU GOT ME, BABY. I’M WITH YOU, TOO, ROB. WE’RE ALL WITH YOU, ROB.
COME ON NOW. COME ON! GUYS, LET’S GO OUT THERE
AND SHOW THESE YOUNG DOGS THAT THE OLD DOGS
STILL GOT IT. [ BARKING ] [ CHEERING ] Jerri: 5, 6, 7.
WE ARE THE HIPPOS! LET’S GO FOR
THE OLD LASSIE PLAY. LASSIE PLAY. ALL RIGHT,
HERE WE GO. LET’S SHOW THESE LITTLE DOGS
WHAT THE BIG DOGS CAN DO. [ BARKING ] [ WHISTLE BLOWS ] ROB, ROB! I GOT HIM,
I GOT HIM! [ YELPING ] [ CHEERING ] [ WHISTLE BLOWS ] Women: DEFENSE! DEFENSE! [ BUZZER ] MAN! YEAH, BOY. OKAY, T.K., RUB IT IN. NO, MR. P., WE AIN’T PLAYED
THIS HARD ALL SEASON. YOU GUYS TAUGHT US
ABOUT TEAMWORK TONIGHT. COME ON, FELLAS.
LET’S DO THIS. WHAT? Crowd: MR. P.! MR. P.! MR. P.! MR. P.! MR. P.! MR. P.!
MR. P.! MR. P.! HOW WAS PRACTICE? GORDON AND I TALKED
ABOUT THE LAME GUYS WE’RE PLAYING AGAIN
THIS YEAR. I FORGOT THE LINE, BUT WE’RE STILL PLAYING
THIS YEAR. IF Y’ALL WIN,
I’LL DO — LET ME SEE. I’LL CLEAN
THIS HOUSE FOR THE NEXT YEAR. I WAS SHOOTING
SOME, UH, SOME, UH, THE THINGS
IN THE HOOP. WE SHOULD STOP TELLING
THE TRUTH? NO, IT MEANS
YOU SHOULD… DON’T KNOW, HUH? —Captions by VITAC
Burbank, Pittsburgh, Tampa,
and Washington, D.C.

11 thoughts on “5×08 The Parent ‘Hood – Old Men Can’t Jump”

  1. I miss the summer of 1999 when we could watch this in the evening after playing outside me and my sisters would watch it and loved all of the characters 😊

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