Brewstew – Soccer Coach

Alright, so not too long ago
my fiance and I decided to be soccer coaches Cause let’s be honest, I make a great goddamn
soccer coach for the bunch of little kids There’s only one little problem with this We don’t know shit about soccer But the good thing is
that we teach a bunch of 4-year-olds They don’t know shit about soccer either I’ll just teach them the three things
that I know about soccer And make them just figure out
the rest on their own “Alright, you guys… You guys
know how to kick stuff, right?” “I kick the shit out of my
little brother all the time” Now, well, perfect! You’re practically
a soccer player already! So we have a few practices to figure out
what kind of skill sets these kids carry For instance, we have little Mario on our team His trademark is that he likes to jump
over the ball when it comes to him Try to explain to him like:”Mario,
your ass is not gonna get out the Wheaties box..” “If you keep leap-frogging
the goddamn soccer ball!” He was also really good at pointing out
any airplanes that were in the sky He’d just stop right in the middle of practice Point up at the sky: “Oh, airplane, airplane!” “It’s great, Mario, but it’s not about
to crash into this goddamn soccer field” “I can’t really give two shits
about that airplane” Now get your little air traffic controller
ass over here and kick the ball Poor kid was just really excited about airplanes He just wanted to share it with the world “Holy fuck, look at that airplane in the sky!” “Is this not a big deal to you, people?!” We also had two girls on the team,
that were sisters They wouldn’t step foot on the soccer field,
unless they were holding hands with each other So they’d be out there, hand in hand,
like they got a game of Red Rover going on somewhere They’re clotheslining kids left and right “Hey, why don’t you guys
try playing by yourself?” “Because I don’t do shit “Because I don’t do shit
WITHOUT MY SISTERRRRRRRR!1!!” “Okay! Alright, whatever” “Holy hell, take some xanax, you psychopath” So our first game rolls around And if you think handling one team
of 4-year-olds is a lot to handle Try having two teams out there It was pure chaos We got kids out there doing cartwheels and shit Players kicking the ball into their own goal “God damn it, Billy! You are bastardizing
the sport of soccer!” All the parents are looking at us, like: “Hey, asshole, what kind of circus show is this?” “What the hell have you been teaching our kids?” They would kick the ball out of bounds The referee would blow the whistle They just totally ignore it, keep on going *Blows the whistle harder* “STOP, WAIT A MINUTE!” *kids giggling* *Blows the whistle even harder* *kids giggling* We’d have kids trying to pick
the ball up with their hands In the first couple times they do it,
you try to explain it to them nicely “Ah, sweetheart, you can’t pick up
the ball with your hands, you don’t do that in soccer” But then after repeating yourself 5000 times
you’re just getting sick of it, you’re like: “God damn it, Billy, if you pick that ball up
with your hands again..” “..I’m gonna chop your balls off with a machete” *all the parents gasp* “Ha-haa, haaa…She’s just joking,
we don’t have a machete, I don’t think” “AAAAAAAAAAAA111!1!” Now, there are only so many
4-year-olds playing soccer So every weekend we’d play against the same team And there was one kid on that team
that would pretty much score all their goals But the thing is, he was like a foot taller,
than everybody else on the field “What the hell, how old is that kid out there?” “Somebody check his birth certificate,
I’m pretty sure we graduated highschool together!” The kid had like stubble on his face and shit He’s out there smoking a cigarette like:
“Alright, let’s hurry this shit up!” “I’ve got to pick my kids up
from daycare in the half-hour” So we pretty much watched him
beat the hell of our team for the whole game It was especially bad in the second half Because by the time
the third quarter rolls around Nobody wants to play soccer anymore, they want
to go home and do whatever kids do these days “I just want to eat fruit roll-ups
and watch weird-ass spiderman videos on youtube” We’d have kids laying down on the field Billy’s over there, digging in his ass crack “God damn it, Billy!” “Your great grandma
made it out here to watch you today!” “Her ass has emphysema,
she’s only got so many days left” “You think she wants to spend them watching you
fiddle with your asshole all day long? I don’t think so!” There’d be one kid crying on the field
at all times, it seemed like Like it was in a goddamn rulebook He’d just be sitting down,
having a mental breakdown Their parents are taking
pictures of them and shit We’d have a coach on one knee,
trying to be a mini-psychiatrist “What are you crying for,
you’re four years old, for Chist’s sake!” “Wait till you’re old like me,
and you get a divorce” “Then you got to sit at home
every night by yourself” “Eating hungry man TV dinners,
just waiting to die” “Get your ass up and play some soccer!” And then out of nowhere, the referee
blows the whistle and the game is over Everyboby gets some Goldfish And a pacific cooler CapriSun All the coaches are all stressed-out I run out to the parking lot,
slam six beers down while nobody’s looking “Alright, team, that was a good game!” “Billy, you scored three goals today,
but they were all in our own net, so way to go!” “Mario, you pointed out four airplanes, and one
helicopter, that’s a new FIFA world record, alright!” “And ladies, well, you clotheslined a kid,
and broke his collar bone, that’s pretty sweet too!” “I expect more of the same next week,
go, team go!” Special thanks to: Chas McQuillan, Innovation Pro,
Cameron J, Vinnie Pretet, Marcus Johnson, Special thanks to: Bobby Luu, Wesley Rocco,
Steven Meekel, Matthew Dodd, Kevin Scannell Special thanks to: James Walker
& All the other patrons!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *