The one and only Miss Catherine Tate English is well dry. I don’t see what’s so great about reading anyways now reading for losers Ain’t it though? At least we’ve got a new teacher today Yeah, right that’ll be a laugh Morning … Alright… As I’m sure you’re aware my name is Mr. Logan, I’m your new English teacher nice to meet you all hope you’re all ready to Get to grips with some Elizabethan literature. Let’s all turn to page 53 in our poetry textbooks Then we’ll dive straight in with the Bard himself Sir, are you English sir? No, I’m Scottish. So you ain’t English then? No. I’m British. So you ain’t English then? No, I’m not, but as you can see I do speak English. But I can’t understand what you’re saying sir. Well, clearly you can. Sorry are you talking Scottish now? No, I’m talking English. Right, don’t sound like it. Okay, whatever you want, Now, let’s get on with Shakespeare! I think that you’re not qualified to teach us English I am perfectly qualified to teach English I think the are though you. Don’t have to be English to teach it. Right, have you got double English or double Scottish? Is your name Lauren Cooper by any chance? Yeah. Why? Your reputation precedes you. Anyway So… Shakespeare’s sonnets. Sir? A Sonnet is a poem,. Sir? Written in 40 lines. Siiir.. the last two of which Siiir.. must form a rhyming couplet Sir? Sir!? Yes, Lauren. Can I ask you a question?Not just now. Can I ask you a question now? Just wait Can I just ask you a question? Can I ask you a question now I only want to ask you a question kind of artsy a question I’m just asking you a question. Can I ask you a question? What is it? Are you the Doctor? Doctor Who? I don’t know what you’re talking about. You look like Doctor Who though. I’m not doctor here on your English teacher. I don’t think you are though Lauren! I think you’re a nine hundred and forty-five year old Time Lord Listen… Did you just pitch up from Mars? Don’t be ridiculous. You know your house right?
What? You know your house. Yeah.
Is it bigger on the inside? No be quiet. Did you park the TARDIS on a meter? Can we please get back to Shakespeare? Thank you So… Did you fancy Billie Piper sir?
Right! You are the most insolent child I’ve ever had the misfortune to teach. Thank you You’re pointless repetitious and extremely dull. A bit like Shakespeare. You’re not even worthy to mention his name. William Shakes… William Shakespeare was a genius. You little madam are definitely not. Now just sit there keep your mouth shut. And I will fill you in this whole module all right now. Amiss I bothered? What? amiss, I bothered, forsooth. Looketh at my face. Looketh at my face. Stop it! Is this the bothered face that… Right! I’m calling your parents! Are you disrespecting the House of Cooper? Art thou calling my mother a pox-ridden wench? Enough. Art thou calling my father a goodly rotten apple? Lauren… He ain’t even a goodly rotten apple.
Listen… but he ain’t even a goodly rotten apple.
That’s enough! Faceth, my friend, looketh.
Lauren My liege, my liege, my liege, my liege… You take the high road and I’ll take the low road… Bothered face, bothered, I be not bothered, my liege I be not bothered Face bothered Shakespeare sonnets I ain’t even bothered. my mistress eyes are nothing like the Sun Coral is far more red than her lips red if snow be white why then her breasts are done If happy wires black wires grow on her head I have seen roses Damus red and white but no such roses see I in her cheeks and in some perfume is there more delight Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks. I love to hear her speak yet well I know that music have a far more pleasing sound I go on I never saw a goddess go my mistress when she walks treads On the ground and yet by heaven I think my love as rare as any she belied with false compare Bite me alien boi! That’s better. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet I still ain’t bothered.