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Guess Who Is Probably Not Going To Be President

Guess Who Is Probably Not Going To Be President


FIRST OF ALL, FOLKS,
THIS IS YOUR OFFICIAL REMINDER THAT TOMORROW AND WEDNESDAY ARE
THE SECOND ROUND OF DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY DEBATES. THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S GOING TO BE A
REAL– AND I BELIEVE I’M COINING THIS TERM– DONKEY SHOW. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THAT’S NOT ALL. BECAUSE “THE LATE SHOW” WILL BE
LIVE AFTER THE DEBATES, BOTH NIGHTS, TUESDAY AND WEDNESDAY. YES! WE WILL BE LIVE ON TUESDAY. WE WILL BE LIVE ON WEDNESDAY,
WHICH MEANS I WILL BE DEAD ON THURSDAY. ( LAUGHTER )
THERE’S GOING TO BE 20 CANDIDATES — OH, HELLO. THERE’S GOING TO BE
CANDIDATES ONSTAGE OVER THE TWO NIGHTS. THAT’S SO MANY CANDIDATES, THE
PROPERTY BROTHERS ARE IN THERE AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE. 20
( LAUGHTER ) DOWN OVER THERE RIGHT IN THE
MIDDLE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
EVEN I’M HAVING TROUBLE REMEMBERING WHO THEY ALL ARE. WHICH IS WHY I’D LIKE TO BRING
SOMEONE UP HERE TO HELP ME GET THEM STRAIGHT. THIS IS “THE LATE SHOW’S”
“GUESS WHO… IS PROBABLY NOT GOING TO BE PRESIDENT.” OKAY, I NEED SOMEONE TO COME UP
HERE AND HELP ME OUT. RAISE YOUR HAND. A VOLUNTEER? I SAW YOU FIRST. THERE YOU GO. COME ON UP. THANKS VERY MUCH. CONGRESSMAN — COME ON UP, WE’RE
PUTTING A MIC ON YOU THERE. PLEASE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ALL RIGHT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HI.>>HI.>>Stephen: WHAT’S YOUR NAME? CHRISTIE.>>Stephen: I’M STEPHEN. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE. WHERE ARE YOU FROM.>>SEATTLE, WASHINGTON.>>Stephen: YOU’RE A LONG WAY
FROM HOME.>>WE ARE.>>Stephen: DO YOU COME TO
NEW YORK OFTEN?>>FIRST TRIP.>>Stephen: WHO IS WE? MY SON AND MY HUSBAND AND
DAUGHTER, THEY’RE OUT EXPLORING THE CITY NOW.>>Stephen: DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT WE’RE GOING TO DO NOW?>>A LITTLE BIT.>>Stephen: I AM GOING TO HOLD
UP ACTUAL PHOTOS OF ACTUAL DEMOCRAT CANDIDATES,
THESE ARE PEOPLE WHO WILL BE IN THE DEBATES, AND LET’S SEE IF
YOU CAN IDENTIFY THEM. ( LAUGHTER )
ALL RIGHT. READY FOR THIS? DO YOU VOTE?>>YES. GOOD FOR YOU. OKAY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CHRISTIE, CAN YOU TELL ME WHO THIS MAN IS? LOOK AT THE MONITOR. CAN YOU TELL ME “NAME THIS
CANDIDATE”?>>NO.>>Stephen: NO. YOU’RE IN GOOD COMPANY BECAUSE
THIS IS COLORADO SENATOR MICHAEL BENNETT, OKAY. FUN FACT: HIS CAMPAIGN SLOGAN IS
“MICHAEL BENNET 2020: A CHICKEN IN EVERY POT, A SPORTY FLEECE ON
EVERY DAD.” ( LAUGHTER )
NOW THAT I’VE TOLD YOU HIS NAME, DOES IT RI RING A BELL?>>A LITTLE BELL.>>Stephen: OKAY. THAT IS A DEATH NAIL FOR HIS
CAMPAIGN. ( LAUGHTER )
CAN YOU NAME THIS WOMAN? SHE’S A FRIEND OF OPRAH.>>YES, MARIANNE, BUT I CAN’T
THINK OF HER.>>Stephen: DOES
THAT’S MARIANNE WILLIAMSON. IF YOU’RE HAVING TROUBLE
REMEMBERING HER, I RECOMMEND OPENING YOUR HEART CHAKRA AND
INVITING THE UNIVERSE TO GIFT THE NAME INTO YOUR HEAD. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I’M GOING TO KICK UP THE DIFFICULTY LEVEL HERE A LITTLE
BIT, OKAY? GOING TO GET A LILT TOUGHER. YOU’RE DOING GREAT. AGAIN, LIKE MOST AMERICANS, YOU
DON’T KNOW WHO MOST OF THESE PEOPLE ARE. OKAY. WHICH ONE OF THESE TWO IS
DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE AND SENATOR KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND AND WHICH ONE
IS KATE SIDLY, THE NUMBER ONE REAL ESTATE AGENT IN PUTNAM
COUNTY FIVE YEARS RUNNING? ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NO HELP FROM THE AUDIENCE,
PLEASE. WHICH ONE IS WHICH?>>LEFT IS —
>>Stephen: WHICH ONE IS KRISTEN GILLIBRAND AND WHICH IS
THE REAL ESTATE AGENT.>>REAL ESTATE.>>Stephen: THAT’S CORRECT. THIS IS THE REAL ESTATE AGENT. THIS ISLE KRISTEN GILLIBRAND. IF YOU’RE WAITING FOR A MODEST
WITH GOOD BONES DON’T CALL KATE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HERE’S A TOUGHY. THIS IS NOT FAIR. WHO IS THIS? NO, I KNOW. I KNOW.>>I DON’T KNOW EITHER. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>>Stephen: I WAS HOPING IF
YOU COULD TELL ME. I DON’T KNOW. ( PIANO RIFF )
OKAY. HERE’S A GIMME. WHO IS THIS CANDIDATE? WHO IS THAT?>>BIDEN.>>Stephen: WHAT? JOE BIDEN.>>Stephen: IT IS. IT’S JOE BIDEN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OF COURSE, THIS IS VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN. OF COURSE, THE PHOTO HE PREFER I
SHOW YOU IS THIS ONE. ( LAUGHTER )
THANK YOU FOR PLAYING OUR GAME! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE HAVE SOME GIFTS FOR YOU. WE HAVE SOME GIFTS FOR YOU. THIS IS TO HELP YOU GET THROUGH
THE DEBATES. ( LAUGHTER )
AND IT’S TOO EARLY TO GIVE YOU AN “I VOTED” STICKER, SO HERE’S
ONE, MAY I PUT THIS ON YOU?>>YES.>>Stephen: HERE’S ONE THAT
JUST SAYS “I GUESSED RANDOMLY.” THANK YOU SO MUCH. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH IDRIS
ELBA!

100 thoughts on “Guess Who Is Probably Not Going To Be President”

  1. There are a ton of people that arent going to be President . They all have a (D) after their name . Now some say the D is for democrat . No . Its for despicable .

  2. Wheres jeffry doma??
    Bernie sanders said even felons should have the right to vote…
    Why not let em run???

  3. Although there are too many candidates, the great news is they are able to spread the Democratic message to more places over a longer period of time than one or two candidates right now. 1 loudmouth bottom feeder (an insult to lobsters) and more than 2 dozen voices of unity

  4. "Guess Who Is Probably Not Going To Be President" I'd guess the answer to be: an honest person who serves the people's interest instead of their own

  5. i have no idea who the Property brothers are and i still noticed them . . . probably because i knew that joke was coming from a mile away

  6. "Do you vote?"
    "Yes."
    cheer
    Like doing your most basic civic duty as a citizen is such an accomplishment. It never fails to amuse how the self-styled heroes and defenders of democracy herself have such a shitty one.

  7. "Guess Who Is Probably Not Going to Be President"
    If this was three years ago, I'd say Donald Trump… I guess this is why I don't play the lottery much.

  8. It really pisses me off when people mock Marianne Williamson, especially Stephen. If you’re a catholic you have ZERO right mocking people for promoting love as a radical movement. You certainly don’t get to mock people for ‘crazy beliefs’ (though she’s FAR from crazy if you pay attention to her goals) when you believe the crazy shit catholic’s believe.

  9. The outstanding news put out by the Onion (has to be as legitimate as msm) says their training monkeys to do study's about monkeys; I'm voting for a monkey!

  10. The democrats have zero chance of winning in 2020 regardless who runs…the party has had a meltdown…the strategy the last three years has hurt the party badly.

  11. Listen, I joined NeedToImpeach sometime in early 2016, because I agree with their message.  I'll admit, I was a little reticent when others warned me that Tom Steyer would try to use it as a springboard into candidacy, but I still joined, because I hoped that he would forgo such blatantly obvious and stupid stunts, and stick to the message.

    I was wrong in my hopes, but I still agree with the message.  When Bill Maher decreed that it's "pencils down", that should've DEFINITELY been the cutoff point for no new Democratic candidates.  Tom, you were too late, and now your movement is going to suffer for its divided focus.  I'll stay with NeedToImpeach, but I cannot and will not support your candidacy.  #WarrenSanders2020

  12. I WANT to say that Trump will probably not be president….. but honestly, the absolute worst thing has happened so consistently lately, I won't hope.

  13. I just want to say a massive thank you to all the racist bigoted extremists from the left that have made it possible for the trump to be president and to continue. Your hatred for your own country makes us stronger

  14. ugh if it's the same writer behind these and the holiday cards, they should be gently let go. these bits are always effing unfunny and LAME.

  15. You are damning these candidates? I'm just not understanding why entirely. Is it because the list of candidates is TOO expansive? By pointing out an american ignorance you shorten the list and gather the attention to "select" candidates. While this may provide a better collective democratic power, it is important to appreciate the views of these candidates. WHY would you not describe these people?? Who are they?? What are they running on?? That is what the populous needs to begin to understand. By not providing this information you have served no positive purpose to your community other than shaming a potential problem.

  16. This segment proves that elections have little to do with policies, platforms or qualification but rather marketing and advertisement.

  17. You can't really blame all the candidates… now that they know that every moron can become president, they think they have a shot….

  18. I'm sadden by how bad and uneducated our Americans are on who's in charge of making their laws. Reason why country is in turmoil is because the people think their only duty is to vote who they think or look to be their best candidate will be on election day and not get involve and do their homework on who our law makers are.Now I'm not surprised why Trump got elected. It is the people's fault.

  19. What a great thing to happen on one's first visit to NYC! With the possible exceptions of Hickenlooper and Biden, I'm not sure how well I'd be able to identify any of the straight white guys by name — and I've been paying attention, politically.

    But I'll vote Blue no matter who in 2020. Defeating Trump is priority #1-100.

  20. Colbert is actively warning the DNC to stop phuqn around. I agree completely. Stop it. America depends on it.

  21. People cheering for handsy plutocrat joe Biden haven’t learned a thing. Keep it up brainless morons and nothing will change.

  22. Marianne Williamson actually kicked some butt last night! I didn't see her entire performance but a highlight impressed the crap out of me. I could see her ripping Putin a new array of poison dart holes!

  23. Can a past president be a Vice President and would they, could they if it meant saving America? Just asking

  24. "Guess who is probably not going to be President?"
    Any Democrat, ever again. Once they wanted to turn this into the United States of illegal aliens, promoted racist identity politics, promoted an islamic death cult over all other religions, promote censorship and disarming law abiding Americans, promoted abortion as mere birth control, and promote the failed ideology of marxism, I was done. Harry S. Truman is my favorite president in history, and he would have todays Democrats in office arrested for everything from treason to pedophilia. Although I'm sure the ChiComs would all vote Democrat, given the opportunity, since they seem to share talking points across the board.

  25. First time i noticed the extra thing in the picture before you pointed it out. I'd vote the property brothers for president/vice president.

  26. If I had just jumped into the video @ 2:11, I'd assume she was someone famous, If I was suddenly put on TV I'd be a quivering wreck, this woman's so relaxed in front of the camera I'm having an anxiety attack on her behalf!…

    Are people from Seattle just super chill and confident?!

  27. I'm surprised no one mentioned here that the guy whose picture Stephen put away was Seth Moulton, and yes, he's actually running for President.

  28. Why is the DNC (Deny North Car'inah!) pushing the far left SO HARD now? Who got the most press? Bernie. AOC, and the democrats that are going to put a centrist like me off to the side. I'm ex-conservative, I dumped the Grand Ole' Party when I realized it was only for white wimmin comin' out partays, where they sashay out to the veranda and sip mint juleps in the glorious south carolina plantation veranda. Why am I a conservative? I want to get the US out of debt to foreign countries. Lets just start with that. Trump criticized the non-american president for requesting funds to bail out US banking institutions, but takes credit for the economic turn around. Trump criticized the kenyan king of the US for playing golf. "I'd never play golf, I've got so much work to do", he beat Obama's golf-vacations in 8 years, within his first year in office. Of course, it makes sense, because his real business is golf. "They tell me… they tell me, put the ball… in the hole." <Mister President, we're exposed, you need to come to a secure location> "Okay, great talk, NEW SHERMAN TANKS! (Is that German for thank you? Yes? Great! Beautiful!)" "Wait, this secure location, is it KFC? I need another bucket."

  29. Wow stephen just nailed it……he proved that we need to pull out the candidates because the debates are not beong debates…ita more like shouting matches and we need recognizable people to listen to their policies better

  30. 4:44 – I kind of just want to say that Stephen's reaction was a great joke and the guest's laugh was super cute ~

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