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I Didn’t Fit In *Emotional*

I Didn’t Fit In *Emotional*


I just got lipstick on its forehead we’ve made it to the playground oh man I’m convinced inside crying dang it you guys my heart hurts I’m just so grateful I’m so it’s so grateful to the fire but it’s no use cuz you can’t stop good morning everybody we are dressed and ready for the day today is a special day because little one over here is seven weeks old seven weeks oh dude so we decided to wear some matching outfits we got grey top so I need some red pants so you know Mommy and Me outfits for the day we got some errands to run we have a very messy room but you know we’ll work with that later so uh let’s go ahead and uh run those errands decided before we go to the store we’re gonna just go for a little walk because it feels so good out here and I think she likes the puffiness [Music] [Applause] what do you know you guys put him right to sleep so time for the errands you guys as I was walking around the neighborhood everybody has like super cute Halloween stuff and we have nothing like I felt so not festive and it made me really sad but like Harold’s not here we don’t get to celebrate Halloween together so next year hopefully he’ll be home and we’re gonna go like all out you just wait I’ll see you guys it is definitely a lunchtime and I’ve not eaten lunch but this lipstick I feel like it’s gonna come off if I eat something so I’m like having a dilemma here this is a reminder to myself that I need to order the little thing that attaches here so I can put my phone and whatnot because for me getting a few things here we’ve got the makeup wipes I’m gonna try this eyeshadow palette because mine is like straight-up done with and just a couple of brushes because I have like none also my foundation is way too dark for me so I’m gonna try a new foundation this wet and wild photo focus one I don’t know people like it never tried it before if I’m gonna get a lighter one and maybe mix it to it we’ll see like how pale am I pretty much as fails again we’re gonna try this nude ivory I have no idea and my favorite mascara everybody always asked me what I use this is it gotta stay minty fresh alright leo mama needs your help we got to get some curtains and we got quite the selection to choose from here so uh you know I really need your help truth is they’re all horrible this is not good we have yet to put up like blinds or curtains or anything in either of our guest rooms and I always feel bad when people come over because the windows just completely open so I’m like should probably finally put some Harold doesn’t really want me to because he’s like no we don’t need to but you know I feel like you can always Grandma need some blinds up like some curtains so she’s not like exposed to the world I feel like this is the best looking one and it’s the softest like best quality for sure but it’s one of those freaking one panels like I don’t want to buy two also the walls in our guest room are that color that would probably look weird just having curtains the same color as the walls but also I don’t want to buy something because we’ll be like probably moving within like it less than a year or a year or something and then I don’t know this is just hard but this is interesting although like that is a lot of pattern for me now I’m thinking this one even though it is exact in color this picture doesn’t make it look so bad in there really cheap so you know when I finally redo both the guest rooms it’s not like I spent a lot of money on them can’t handle it your girl is hungry so we’re gonna look and see what we got to eat never have this before but it looks pretty good I love chocolate and peanut butter so we’re gonna try it out it was pretty good it was a little hard kinda hurt my jaw but now I’m super thirsty so we’re getting a dollar coke again and then I think I’m gonna take Leo to the park yes thank you [Music] oh snap it looks like it’s closed oh no dang it you guys I can’t believe they’re closed I know they’re doing like a bunch of construction here they’re making a dog park which I’m really excited about to take the puppies to but me and I really wanted to walk around the lake so I think I’m gonna go one other place you guys this song [Music] we should be buzzing miss Harrell I cannot with this song I was just driving and of course it comes on and I’m just like yeah you should be here like why aren’t you and miss you but I feel like I’ve done so well I was telling them that on the phone yesterday like I haven’t cried what with him being gone this time which isn’t because I don’t miss him because I do miss him I think it’s just like I just don’t even have time to cry you know I mean maybe you know that’s probably not true I bet if I were like on my period or something then I would be crying but so far I haven’t cried and I just feel good but like yeah I miss him I just spotted a little playground and I know this is lame but I’m gonna go swing on the swing there’s legit no one here alrighty we’ve made it to the playground well not really the playground behind me I’ve got to get there but like holding my coke trying to move the stroller I seriously got to buy that thing that like hangs on this I can put this in it you know this is ridiculous and also I wish I had sunglasses oh well we’re gonna we’re gonna swing them swing [Music] not gonna lie you guys definitely a lot more fun when Harold’s here who remembers when we used to go on the swing in our backyard back at fort benning and just have a blast at the playground like dang this is making me really miss him I can see you’re really enjoying this outing bud so I was totally about to go ham and show Leo how it’s done on the monkey bars so you know on that playground over there so right as I was about to do it to families with kids that can actually play on the playground showed up so I was like okay we should probably go now so instead we’re just taking a big walk around this big ol thing so you know getting some exercise in get some fresh air you know we’re trying to do it I’m not gonna lie though this is like when I really miss Harold like seeing the family walk up and like the dad holding hands with the little boy I was like okay my heart hurts you know like I wish he was with me going on this walk and I wish we were at the playground together just miss him honey when you get back let’s do this little batting cage look at that lipstick you and let’s play tennis I’m miss playing sports like dang I love just about any kind of sport that I could play like as long as I was playing it not watching it I was having a good time [Applause] buddy I’m about to take you in the dugout your daddy spent a lot of time in these places now if you’re any good you won’t spend any time over here you’ll spend it out there but I’ll love you the same even if you sit on the bench okay promise of course I would mention in this vlog how I haven’t cried or like been too emotional or anything and now I’m sitting in a baseball dugout just thinking about my husband playing baseball and all the times I would go to see him and I’m getting so emotional what is wrong with me why did I do this to myself dang it it’s like I can literally picture a Harold and Leo on like home play Harold teaching Leon his first baseball and then they can owe me I’m convinced that crying I can watch I can just like visually see him like getting older and like growing up and stuff like wow this is just too much and now of course I started picturing us with like a huge family and we’re all on the bases and like playing old game with just our family and like grandparents and everything like what is going on so we’re like I can I can like see it I can see you know like oh my dad over there hard so so weird like first base my brother my sister and you know like Harold’s parents and and all our like four kids or five kids and the little ones like running around face-to-face and my cousins and stuff like bag man that’s pretty cool to think about and I don’t know why I’m crying here she’s sleeping away I wonder if dad’s gonna be jealous that I’m the one that brought you to very first baseball field kind of weird I just had this whole like flashback roll through like memory lane like so weird to think about so many different things like a corset started with Harold because if I think about baseball I will always forever think about Harold first and then it brought me back to like you know an ex-boyfriend and like heartbreak because of course he played baseball and then it brought me back to high school and like our friends who played baseball which nanami to the football games that we had because I was a cheerleader and then probably back to like friendships that like we’re really painful back then and like I don’t know just like all these very weird memories and just like all this like past death like a lot of it was good a lot of it were good memories but just so interesting they like look back on and to see like where I’m at now I would definitely say now like the the present time the last five years of my life the last two years two and a half years of my life have been my absolute favorite like without a doubt just wonderful years it’s gonna be me oh not to say that like growing up I didn’t have great memories anything because I totally did like I really had a great awesome life but you know I was hurt by friendships and I was hurt by boys and you know I was stressed out a lot and and whatnot just like trying to be the best that I could possibly be like you know get into a good college and you know like be successful a knife and whatever and and it’s just interesting to think like I’m so happy like where I am now you know like this is the greatest time of my life like I just I’m so grateful oh I’m so so grateful okay we gotta get out of here I just can’t I can’t think about all these things it’s just like it’s weird there’s so many things that I haven’t thought about in such a long time and a lot of it I think too it’s like I kind of like black out some old memories like a lot of things like it’s actually hard for me to remember like details of things like especially the ones that like we’re hurtful you know and who I want to think about him I don’t want to think about them at all I was gonna keep talking by this like the concession soon but then I have this weird feeling like maybe someone’s in there like I don’t know why anyone would be but like maybe there is and that would just be really weird if they heard me just like pouring my heart out right now so we’re just gonna keep walking well this vlog took a very weird turn I definitely could not have expected all those emotions to have come out today this guy sleeps there literally everything any time we go out he just crashes I love it Liam still sleeping over there so I’m gonna take a minute to actually put some real food in my belly but uh to wrap up this whole memory lane saga thing I guess I think it just makes me really emotional because you know in times of my life like high school specifically starting in high school in college I just like started to like not really be able to find my place and I think from the outside looking in it would be very hard to tell because I was involved in like so many things and you know I had friends and I just did a lot and I was happy you know but at the core of it I just didn’t feel like I don’t know like I felt like I never really fit in I guess like I think part of it was because I was involved in so many different things that when you’re involved in so many things you’re almost like not involved or like I don’t know how to explain it I guess maybe I just felt left out um in a lot of ways and so weird to talk about I never talked about this and I never even think about it anymore it’s so weird but the reason it makes me emotional is not thinking back of like the feelings of like her or the feelings of like not finding my like niche or like home or anything it makes me emotional because of where I’m at now and to finally feel like this is my place like this is my family like this is the time of my life that is like this is the greatest thing ever you know and I just feel so grateful and so happy and joyful it just feels good you know you just feel like everything feels right and of course there’s things like I wish I had you know an awesome church here that can be super involved in and I wish I had more girlfriends here like I totally wish that but aside from like those things like I even with those things I guess I don’t feel like I’m like out of place you know I just feel so at home you know and I think it’s just because you know I was I was meant to be with Harold I was meant to have Leo like oh it makes me so emotional think about like this is just like the perfect please serve me his life oh and I’m just so grateful I’m so so grateful for my husband and just my family and just like the love that is like poured into me constantly on a daily basis the love that I feel the way that I feel comfortable just like being me and never feeling like someone’s not gonna accept me what’s going on I can’t believe I’m talking about this I never talk about this stuff and it’s really just because I honestly like never think about it because I don’t have to think about the past anymore because I do have just this really great life but I guess my point in sharing is for any of you guys who might be going through a time in your life really like I just feel like I don’t fit in I you know like something just feels off I guess just to have hope you know like things will get better and link you’ll find your place so just keep doing you stick to what you believe in do things that you’re passionate about and follow your heart and it will lead you and you know listen to God he will guide you and you’ll end up where you need to be so yeah with that being said I’m going to you might say which now thank you guys I’m not gonna lie I’m impressed with this lipstick I ate a sandwich I had a drink I two drinks out of cookie and it’s still on there I am forever doing laundry it never ends are you pouting because you want a cookie – oh you do want a cookie cookie – milk just the milk he hasn’t even woken up yet but like he’s straight up pouting what is going on oh oh oh I think we’re starting to wake up okay have my mommy wakes you up and we we feed jaha like how can I not feel like the luckiest woman in the world when I have this little guy are you stretching are you stretching it oh don’t kiss him oh okay okay Jax get away from his mouth who you looking his feet you trying to get her get up oh my goodness oh my goodness dude how did this happen what didn’t even get on his pants just up his back and spit up all down his chest we’re doing really good I’m pretty sure you decided to poop his pants to tell me that he didn’t want to match me anymore so that’s okay but you could have just told me it wouldn’t hurt my feelings I promise I promise oh man I just got lipstick on his forehead all right buddy we got ourselves a new little outfit do you like this one a little bit more is this one say I’m ready to see Mimi and Ganga I just won what you wanted to wear maybe okay it’s okay buddy you guys were a little bit on the struggle bus over here so I’m gonna wrap this vlog up let them go I don’t love people make a difference in be thankful come back tomorrow Harold’s mom and grandma will be here and I think we’re gonna go on a little adventure with Leo but we’ll see you guys tomorrow love you bye

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