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John Mulaney Has A Picture Of A Ghost, Maybe

John Mulaney Has A Picture Of A Ghost, Maybe


WELCOME BACK TO “THE LATE
SHOW”.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I’M SO HAPPY TO HAVE MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT. HE IS A HILARIOUS COMEDIAN YOU
KNOW FROM BROADWAY’S “OH, HELLO.” HE’S NOW ON HIS “KID GORGEOUS”
COMEDY TOUR. PLEASE WELCOME JOHN MULANEY! ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )>>Stephen: WELCOME BACK!>>THANK YOU.>>Stephen: JOHN MULANEY,
EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK. THIS IS THE THIRD TIME? THIS IS THE THIRD TIME I’VE BEEN
HERE.>>Stephen: THE THIRD TIME?>>YEAH.>>Stephen: THIRD TIME’S A
CHARM.>>THAT’S WHAT THEY SAY.>>Stephen: WE’LL GET IT THIS
TIME.>>YEAH, WE’LL BE CHARMING THIS
TIME.>>Stephen: THAT’S A LOVELY
JACKET. VELVET?>>YEAH, THIS IS BLACK VELVET. THIS COLLECTED A LOT OF STUFF
BACKSTAGE, BUT THEY ROLLED ME OFF WITH TAPE, AND THEN I WALKED
OUT, AND NOW I’M ON TV.>>Stephen: YEAH. WE KNOW IT’S THE CHANGE OF
SEASON WHEN YOU CAN BRING THE BLACK VELVET OUT.>>ABSOLUTELY. THAT’S AN OLD MEL TORME LINE. “THE CHANGE OF THE SEASON IS
WHEN YOU CAN BRING THE OLD VELVET OUT.”>>Stephen: YOU’RE SUPER BUSY,
SUPER BUSY. NO SURPRISE THERE. A YOUNG TALENTED MOON LIKE YOU.>>THAT’S NICE OF YOU TO SAY. I HAVE BEEN ON TOUR SINCE MAY
AND NOW IT’S GONE EVERY NIGHT.>>Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN
“GONE EVERY NIGHT?”>>ON THE RIDE.>>Stephen: YOU’RE ON THE ROAD
AND THEN DADDY’S GONE.>>I DON’T SAY “DADDY’S GONE.” THAT UPSETS PEOPLE.>>Stephen: DO YOU HAVE
CHILDREN?>>NO, I HAVE A DOG, THOUGH.>>Stephen: THEN YOU SHOULD
NOT SAY, “DADDY’S GONE. OF IT WOULD BE WEIRD TO SAY TO
YOUR WIFE, “DADDY’S GONE.”>>YEAH, WE’VE BEEN GONE– WE–
I, HAVE BEEN TRAVELING A LOT. AND THAT’S WHY I DON’T KNOW MY
ARTICLES OR PRONOUNS.>>Stephen: SO, IT’S CALLED
“KID GORGEOUS. OF THE.>>THE TOUR.>>Stephen: ARE YOU “KID
GORGEOUS”?>>I DON’T KNOW. IT’S JUST A NAME. I KEPT READING NAMES TO MY WIFE
AT A RESTAURANT UNTIL SHE LAUGHED, AND THAT WAS THE ONE
SHE WENT WITH. SHE LAUGHED A LOT AT “KID
GORGEOUS,” AND I SAID I GUESS IT HAS TO BE THAT. I LIKE OLD-FASHIONED THINGS, AND
“KID GORGEOUS” –>>Stephen: “KID GORGEOUS”
SOUND LIKE YOU’RE A MIDDLE-WEIGHT BOXER.>>YES, YES.>>Stephen: WHO IS FAMOUS FOR
NEVER HAVING HIS NOSE BROKEN.>>YES.>>Stephen: HE’S “KID
GORGEOUS.”>>THERE WAS A MO ON THE
SIMPSONS, WAS “KID GORGEOUS,” THEN HE WAS “KID PRESENTABLE.” AND I WANTED IT TO BE CALLED
“KID CHARLEMAGNE” AFTER THE STEELY DAN SONG, BUT EVERYONE IN
MY LIFE WARNED ME AGAINST THAT, SAYING THAT WOULD BE LOST ON
PEOPLE AND NOT BE AN EFFECTIVE TOUR NAME.>>Stephen: WHEREAS “KID
GORGEOUS” HAS RESONANCE ALL ACROSS AMERICA.>>PEOPLE LIKE VANITY, YEAH.>>Stephen: YOU’RE COMING BACK
TO NEW YORK FOR A FOUR NIGHTS AT RADIO CITY, TOTALLY STOLE OUT.>>FOUR SHOWS SOLD OUT, YEAH. AND WE’RE ADDING A FIFTH NOW,
SO, YEAH. ( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.>>Stephen: THAT’S GREAT
GREAT. YOU HAVE PLAYED RADIO CITY
BEFORE?>>I HAVE NEVER PLAYED RADIO
CITY.>>Stephen: EXTRAORDINARY,
EXTRAORDINARY HOUSE.>>EXTRAORDINARY PLACE. I WANT TO REST BEFORE IT. I’M GETTING A LITTLE FRIED ON
THIS TOUR, BUT IT’S GOING TO BE AN AMAZING —
>>Stephen: LIKE WHAT KIND OF REST DO YOU NEED?>>I NEED– SO I TOOK A VACATION
WITH MY WIFE, ANA. I HAD BEEN GONE ABOUT 12 NIGHTS,
AND WE WENT TO FAIRM TO RELAX IN CONNECTICUT.>>Stephen: OH, OKAY.>>WE GOT THERE —
>>Stephen: SOMEBODY GAVE ME PHOTOS BEFORE YOU CAME OUT HERE. IS THAT WHAT THIS IS?>>YEAH, I’LL SHOW YOU THAT IN A
MOMENT. I HAD A BIT OF A NERVOUS
BREAKDOWN WHILE I WAS AT THE FARM.>>Stephen: OKAY.>>I LAND FROM SAN FRANCISCO. WE GET A RENTAL CAR AND WE DRIVE
TO CONNECTICUT. AND WE GET THERE, AND I’M REALLY
HOLOCAUSAND I’MREALLY EXHAUSTED EXISTENTIALLY INSANE, AND TRYING
TO HOLD IT TOGETHER.>>Stephen: SURE.>>AND THE CURRENT PRESIDENT
TWEETED SOMETHING LIKE, “NO TALKS WITH NORTH KOREA. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?”
AND I WAS LIKE, “THAT’S NOT HELPING MY SITUATION.” THAT WAS THAT WEEKEND HE DID
THAT. I WAS OUT WALKING WITH MY DOG
TRYING TO CALM DOWN, AND I SAW A GAGGLE OF GEESE?>>Stephen: A GAGGLE OF GEESE,
YES.>>A GAGGLE OF GEESE. AND I RAN TOWARDS THEM AND THEY
FLEW AWAY AND IT WAS AMUSING. LATER ON THE GEESE WERE BACK AND
I HAD THE DOG AND I SAY TO MY WIFE, “CHECK THIS OUT.” AND I RUN TOWARDS THE GEESE, AND
THEY HOLD THEIR GROUND, AND ONE OF THEM LOOKS AT ME AND OPENS
HIS MOUTH, AND HE HAD THIS LIGHT, PINK MOUTH, AND HE WENT
“HAAAA.” AND CAVEMAN D.N.A. IN ME KNEW
GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW. LIKE, SOME OLD ANCESTOR RAN INTO
SOME PTERODACTYLS AND IT WASN’T GOOD, AND THIS WAS LIKE THAT. IT WAS LIKE THESE ARE DINOSAURS,
LIKE, GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW. AND I RAN ACROSS THE CREEK, AND
I SAID TO MY WIFE, “THOSE GEESE WEREN’T MESSING AROUND” YOU
KNOW? YOU KNOW HOW YOU SAY THAT TO
YOUR WIFE? ( LAUGHTER ).>>Stephen: YEAH.>>AND SHE SAID, WHAT THE HELL
WERE YOU DOING? GEESE ATTACK PEOPLE.” HE SAID, “YOU’RE SUCH A CITY
BOY.” I SAID, “I DIDN’T KNOW GEESE
ATTACKED PEOPLE.” SHE SAID, “YEAH, MY BROTHER WAS
ATTACKED BY A SWAN ( LAUGHTER )
SO LATER ON IN THE EVENING –>>Stephen: NOT THE SAME AS A
GOOSE.>>NOT THE SAME AS A GOOSE. BUT YOU EXPECT MORE FROM A SWAN
BECAUSE IT’S MORE COSMOPOLITAN.>>Stephen: THEY’RE GLAMOROUS.>>THEY’RE GLAMOROUS, YES. WE HOLD THEM TO A HIGHER DEGREE. IT’S SAD. SO I’M SITTING– OKAY, THIS WAS,
LIKE, FATIGUE– AND I’M ALSO TRYING TO HOLD IT TOGETHER IN
FRONT OF MY WIFE. I DIDN’T TELL HER ABOUT THE
NUCLEAR WAR STUFF AS IF I’M THE ONLY ONE WITH A NEWSPAPER “I’LL
HIDE THIS.” THE DOG JUMPS INTO MY LAP, IT’S
A NICE MOMENT. MY WIFE TAKES A PHOTO OF IT.>>Stephen: IS THIS IT?>>ONE SECOND. NO, I DON’T MEAN TO INTERRUPT
YOUR FLOW. I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW WE
TOOK A PHOTO. WE LOOK AT IT. THEN I LEAVE THE ROOM AND SHE WE
COME BACK AND LOOK AT IT AGAIN, AND THAT’S A GREEN SPOT THAT WE
NEVER SAW RIGHT THERE WHERE MY WEDDING BAND MEETS MY DOG’S
STOMACH.>>Stephen: WE HAVE A
CLOSE-UP.>>AND I SAID, “WHAT THE HELL IS
THAT?” WE ZOOM IN, PUSH IT, ASK IT
LOOKS LIKE THE MOON THROUGH THE TREES. AND I SAID, “WHAT IS THAT?”
AND AS SOON AS I SAID, “WHAT IS THAT?”
SOME VOICE IN ME THAT WARNED ME ABOUT THE GEESE SAID, “YOU KNOW
IT’S A GHOST.” ( LAUGHTER )
SO… ( LAUGHTER )
IMAGINE FOR A MOMENT THAT A GREEN ORB APPEARS ON YOUR DOG IN
A PHOTO. THAT VERY MUCH LOOKS LIKE THE
MOON THROUGH THE TREES. AND IMAGINE YOU’RE EXHAUSTED. YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW YOU’D LEAP
TO GHOST.>>Stephen: SURE. ( LAUGHTER )
>>HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN A GHOST?>>Stephen: IDON’T THINK SO… I MEAN, I DON’T THINK SO. THIS PLACE MIGHT BE HAUNTED.>>YES THEATERS ARE HAUPTED.>>Stephen: EXREECTLY HAUNTED.>>I’VE BEEN ON THE ROAD IN
THEATERS 1900 AND 1910. AND I WAS VERY CAVALIER ABOUT
GHOSTGHOSTS AND I’D SAY, “IS THI PLACE HAUNTED? AND WE’D LAUGH ABOUT A GOFT IN
THERE. I FELT I HAD A HAUNTING OF
SORTS.>>Stephen: THEATERS HAVE A
GHOST LIGHT TO KEEP THE GHOST IN ON PURPOSE.>>IF YOU ASK– IF YOU GO TO AN
OLD THEATER, ASK THE STAGEHANDS, “IS THERE A GHOST HERE?”
AND THEY’LL BE LIKE, “THERE’S A GHOST.” I DID A THEATER IN KANSAS CITY,
CALLED THE MIDLANDS, AND THEY SAID THE JANITOR WAS KILLED
THERE IN 1910 AND STILL HAUNTS THE LOBBY. I SAID, “WHAT DOES HE DO?”
THEY SAID, “WE SEE HIM SWEEPING UP.” AND I SAID, “THAT’S DOUBLE
TERRIBLE THAT HE’S STUCK BETWEEN REALMS AND HE STILL HAS TO CLEAN
THE LOBBY.” IT WOULD BE NICE IF THEY WERE
LIKE, “WE SAW HIM APPLYING FOR A NEW POSITION, THEN WE– THEN WE
SAW HIM MANAGING THE LOBBY.”>>Stephen: I KNOW THERE’S A
GHOST IN THIS BUILDING BECAUSE SOMETIMES, LIKE, EVEN DURING THE
SHOW, LIKE, A GUEST WILL BE SITTING RIGHT THERE, AND I’LL
HEAR THIS VOICE COMING FROM THE GUEST GOING, “I WISH DAVE WAS
STILL HERE.” ( LAUGHTER ).>>THAT’S PROBABLY SOMETHING
DAVE PLANTED.>>Stephen: YEAH, PROBABLY.>>SO I SAW THAT, AND I’VE BEEN
TRYING TO HELD IT TOGETHER ALL DAY.>>Stephen: THIS IS TODAY?>>NO, NO, THAT DAY AT THE FARM.>>Stephen: OKAY.>>I PUSH IN ON THE PHOTO, AND I
GO, “TELL ME THAT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE THE MOON THROUGH THE
TREES.” AND MY WIFE’S LIKE, “ARE YOU
OKAY?” AND I SAID, “I THINK WE NEED TO
LEAVE RIGHT NOW.”>>Stephen: NO, YOU DIDN’T.>>I DID, YEAH.>>Stephen: YOU CAN’T GET YOUR
DEPOSIT BACK BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU SAW A GHOST.>>NO, YOU CANNOT. BUT IT WAS ALREADY DARK ON THE
FARM ROADS, AND I WAS LIKE, “IF THIS WERE A MOVIE, WOULD IT BE A
GOOD IDEA TO DRIVE OUT IN THE DARK?”
AND, ALSO, I DIDN’T WANT TO SAY TOO LOUD WHAT MY PLAN WAS IN
CASE THE GHOSTS WERE LISTENING. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) I’M SAD TO SAY —
>>Stephen: WERE THE GHOSTING SAYING ANYTHING? WERE YOU GETTING VOICES IN YOUR
HEAD ANYTHING LIKE THAT– “SHE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND YOU. SHE’S YOUR ENEMY. DO SOMETHING!”
LIKE ONE OF THOSE “SHINING, .”>>NO, BECAUSE I WAS POSSESSED I
WAS ASSUMING MY DOG WAS POSSESSED. WHAT IT TURNED OUT TO BE WAS
LENS FLARE. WE LOOKED IT UP AND ON, LIKE– I
WON’T SAY WHAT BRAND OF PHONE BUT IT’S AN iPHONE. AND THEY HAVE– IT’S A COMMON
THING WHERE YOU GET THESE GREEN DOTS, AND THAT’S THE REFLECTION
OF THE SUN COMING THROUGH THE TREES AND THE WINDOW PANE BEHIND
ME.>>Stephen: IF YOU SAW THIS ON
YOUR DOG NOT ON CAMERA, THAT WOULD BE SOMETHING TO BE UPSET
ABOUT.>>I WOULD BOW DOWN IN FRONT OF
HER AND SAY I’LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.>>Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT I
REALLY LIKE, “BIG MOUTH.”>>THANK YOU VERY MUCH.>>Stephen: THE SHOW YOU’RE
DOING WITH NICK KROLL, OUR FRIEND OF THE SHOW.>>THIS IS A WONDERFUL ANIMATED
SHOW ON NETFLIX, THAT NICK KROLL AND ANDREW GOLDBERG, HIS FRIEND
FROM CHILDHOOD CREATED –>>Stephen: YOU PLAY ANDREW.>>YEAH, I AM A GET FRIEND IN
ADULT LIFE.>>Stephen: IT’S ABOUT KIDS
GOING THROUGH PUBERTY AND VERY FUNNY AND VERY HONEST, HARROWING
WAYS.>>YEAH.>>Stephen: BECAUSE PUBERTY IS
VERY UPSETTING.>>YES, IT FEELS– IT’S SORT OF
A REALIST, NIGHTMARISH ESCAPE OF PUBERTY COMEDY, AND I THINK IT’S
HOW– IT’S HOW PUBERTY FIELD IN A LOT OF WAYS.>>Stephen: DID YOU GO TO
CATHOLIC SCHOOLS GROWING UP?>>YEAH, ONLY EXCLUSIVELY.>>Stephen: JESUIT SCHOOLS. ANOTHER THEY TEACH YOU GOOD. BUT DID THEY TEACH YOU, LIKE,
ABOUT SEX? DID YOU HAVE, LIKE, PUBERTY,
LIKE HEALTH CLASS OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?>>WE HAD HEALTH CLASS.>>Stephen: DID THEY GO
THROUGH THE BIRDS AND THE BEES.>>WE DID A SORT OF MIRACLE ON
LIFE ON THE “PLEASE DON’T EVER HAVE SEX” SIDE OF IT.>>Stephen: OKAY. IT’S A MIRACLE THAT YOU WANT
NOTHING TO DO WITH.>>YEAH, AND THEY SAID– THEY
WERE LIKE, “NONE OF THE CONTRACEPTIVES WORK, SO DON’T
TRY THEM.” WELL —
>>Stephen: WOW.>>WELL, YOU KNOW, WE WERE KIDS. IT’S UNFORTUNATELY HAD A LASTING
EFFECT IN THE SUBCONSCIOUS OF MY BRAIN, BUT… ( LAUGHTER )
THEY THEN– THE BIG THING WAS THEY WOULD SHOW US THE “MIRACLE
OF LIFE” VIDEO, AND I FAINTED AT THAT, NOT ONE YEAR, NOT TWO
YEARS, BUT THREE YEARS IN A ROW. ( LAUGHTER ).>>Stephen: I HESITATE TO
ASK– WHAT IS IS IN “THE MIRACLE OF LIFE” VIDEO THAT WOULD MAKE
JOHN MULANEY PASS OUTSIDE?>>I DON’T KNOW ANYONE THAT HAS
SEEN IT. IT BEGINS WITH A COUPLE THAT
DOES NOT LOOK CONTEMPORARY, EARLY 1980s, OR LATE 1970s. AND THEN IT GOES TO ANIMATION
ABOUT HOW THEIR TUBES AND DIFFERENT VALVES WORK. AND THEN YOU’RE LIKE WATCHING
THESE DIAGRAMS AND YOU’RE LIKE, “ALL RIGHT.” AND THEN IT’S A HARD CUT TO THE
ENTRY OF A HUMAN INTO THE WORLD.>>Stephen: OF A HUMAN!>>COMING THROUGH THE LOINS OF
THEIR MOTHER– WHICH IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.>>Stephen, OF COURSE, NOT! WE’VE ALL DONE THAT.>>PERFECTLY NATURAL. ABSOLUTELY. EVEN CESAREAN, HOWEVER YOU WANT
TO DO IT. IT’S ALL FANTASTIC. SO I WOULD LOOK, AND I WENT–
THE FIRST YEAR I WENT, “HUH?” AND THEN I WAS ON THE FLOOR. ( LAUGHTER )
THE SECOND YEAR –>>Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT’S
COMING?>>THE SECOND YEAR I KNOW IT’S
COMING. I GO, “NO WAY AM I GOING TO
FLINCH THIS TIME.” SO I STARED LONGER. AND I WATCHED MORE OF THE
OPENING NUMBER. ( LAUGHTER )
HIT THE FLOOR. THE THIRD YEAR, PEOPLE WERE
ROOTING FOR ME TO FAINT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND LOOKING BACK. AND THEY– THEY WERE GOING,
“HE’S GONNA GO. HE’S GONNA FAINT.” AND I JUST– THE PRESSURE– I
DON’T EVEN KNOW IF I WAS WATCHING THE VIDEO. I THINK I HAD A PANIC ATTACK
BECAUSE ALL THE EYES WERE ON ME. AND I FAINTED AGAIN, JUST TO–
MAYBE JUST TO APPEASE THEM. WHAT A LIFE! WHAT A SAD LIFE TO WANT TO
ENTERTAIN SO MUCH THAT I’LL COLLAPSE FOR YOU IF YOU CHEER
LOUD ENOUGH.>>Stephen: YOU’RE A PRO. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU’RE KID GORGEOUS IS WHAT YOU WERE.>>THANK YOU.>>Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU.>>JOHN MULANEY’S “KID GORGEOUS”
IS AT RADIO CITY MUSIC HILL THIS FEBRUARY. JOHN MULANEY, EVERYBODY!

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