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Lazer Team

Lazer Team


[Emory] “You are not alone. Conflict is coming.” That is the message
we received. Conflict?
Is that a threat? No, sir. It’s more
like a warning. This message was sent to us by a friendly alien race
known as “Antarians.” They want to help us. Do we need help? The Antarians aren’t
the only ones
to have found us. Enemies are already
on their way. Luckily,
it’s a great distance. And it will take many years
before they can reach us. The Antarians have
offered us a gift. This unique Suit of Power that one person will
wear as our champion.It will take many decades
to transport that suit to us.
So we have selected a child,gifted with both
incredible intelligence
and athletic prowess.He will spend his
entire life training.
We will push him to
achieve perfection
and then improve perfection.And after perfection
is achieved,
we’ll double the score.As he grows more mature,we’ll test him in
every way imaginable.
We will prepare him
for anything
the universe
can throw at him.
[grunting] [groans] [General Cale]
One final question,
what if this champion fails? [Emory]Sir, are you familia
with the Greek hero Perseus?
When Perseus was sent
forth to defeat the Gorgon,
he was armed with
four gifts from the heavens,
the Helm of Hades…[roaring]the Winged Boots
of Hermes…
the Shield of Athena…and the Sword of Zeus.And with the power
of these gifts combined,
Perseus was victorious.Sir, our Perseus,
our Champion of Earth,
will not fail…because he will
not know how to.
Perfect score, sir. Good.
Training’s over.Soon, the entire
universe will know
the full potential
of the human race.
[music playing] [wheelchair whirring] [beeps] Hey, there, Gloria. Going kind of fast. Don’t make me
run you in. [honking horn] [sighs] God,
I hate Friday nights. [crowd cheering] [Larry]What a night here
at Milford Stadium,
with the Mustangs
up by 21 points
with two minutes
left on the clock. [chanting indistinctly] [Wink]Ladies and gentlemen
with us tonight,
former Milford MVP,
Herman Mendoza.
The Texas Tornado. Stand up, Herman. If he can stand. [woman] It’s the
Texas Tornado! Shit. [man] I know that guy. No open containers,
Herman. He doesn’t need to be
messing with fire water. Herman Mendoza has been
known to puke a bit. [cheerleader]
Where’s Mindy? Mindy! [screaming] Mmm… [Larry]The cheerleaders
are leading cheers.
It’s all spelled correctly,
the vendors are vending. The commentators
are commentating. Wouldn’t you agree, Wink? Yup. Oh, it feels right. Water? Wrong team, asshole. Hmm. Awesome. Milford’s high score is due
to their star quarterback, Zach Spencer. [Wink]He’s got
a cannon for an arm,
but he’s struggled
with accuracy.
[groans] [Woody] Table. [Wink]Just a bit
off the mark.
[Larry]He’s known
to gamble on big plays,
as indicated by his signature
“roll the dice” gesture.
[Wink]I don’t think
that’s what that gesture’s
meant to convey.One minute on the clock,
fakes a hand-off,
goes out on his own!There’s a blocker!
Ooh! That’s gotta hurt.
Free and clear now.Touchdown!
That’s gonna be the game.
[whistle blowing] Amazing play, as he does
his post-game stretching.Important to keep
those hips limber.
[Wink]You have no idea
what’s going on, do you?
I do not, Wink.
Not at all. [all cheering] [sighs] [spits] [Hagan] Hey! You’re going
the wrong way. Sorry, Sheriff! He ain’t
a sheriff, Woody. He’s a half-ass. [Woody] Bye,
Sheriff Half-ass! [Hagan spits] Yeah, it’s nice to
see you too, Herman. [crashing] God damn it. [clatters] [all laugh] That’s funny, guys.
Yeah. I need to see
some IDs, now. Or what? You gonna hit us with
one of those lightsabers? “We’re not the droids
you’re looking for.” [laughs] [Murdoch] Shut up, Franksen. That’s it, everybody
out of the vehicle. Peace out, Boba Fett. Damn it. Live long and prosper! That’s not even
the right movie, moron! Base, this is Deputy Hagan
in pursuit of a 4-81. I need back-up assistance– [dispatch]No dice, Deputy.Sheriff wants you
out at Ruby Lake
for an extraction.For an extraction? Base, what exactly
am I extracting? [grunting] You jerkoffs couldn’t
beat me on the field, so you think you
can beat me here? I get it. Hey, douchebag!
This is our party,
all right? Dude, I won.
It’s my party. That’s not
how parties work. It’s all my party! That doesn’t even– [crowd exclaims] [crowd cheers] [boy yelling] Great, drunk teenagers.
This will be fun. [girl] Hey, guys,
stripper’s here! Okay, let’s do it.
Ready? [camera clicks] [Hagan] Take it again,
I think I blinked. Uh-oh. Bye, Jules. Oh, my God. Dad, what are you
doing at this party? I’m working, Mindy. What are you
doing at this party? Partying. There are two people
that can’t see you with beer in your hand, your father and a cop. And I’m both of ’em. [glass thuds] Please tell me that is not
Zach Spencer out there. Ooh. Yeah, it’s him. Go easy on him,
he’s kind of dumb. All right, fine.
Give me that. Hey! Yo, kick his ass.
Kick his ass! Knock-knock! You need to get
the hell out of here. Dude, you get the
hell out of here! How about that? All right,
break it up. [Zach] That’s what I thought. Let’s go, kid. Number one! I’m talking to you, kid. Top of the world! [crowd exclaims] [groans] [laughing] All right, that’s it. Undefeated, bitch! Whoo! [electricity crackling] [convulsing] [camera clicks] [groans] [splashing] [all] Yeah! One foot in
front of the other. I got it.
I know the feet. Oh, see if Mindy
needs a ride, too. Kid, you have the right
to remain silent. You should do that. Ugh! It’s not funny. It’s kind of funny. All right, I know we’ve all
had a lot of fun tonight, but the show’s over. It’s time for you all
to go home. [crowd laughing] There’s nothing else
to see here. [clattering] [sighs] You’re lucky I’m not
taking you in, kid. You should be arrested. Your face should be arrested.
‘Cause your face is a whore. [Zach chuckles] [tyres screech] You should
really buckle up. I’d hate to have
to give you a ticket. Wait, I know you. You’re that guy that blew
the Championship game, like, 800 years ago! What does
everyone call you? Has-been half-back?
No, it was Half-ass Hagan. [tyres screech] [groans] Seriously, dude,
that hurts! Wait, Hagan? Mindy’s name– That’s right. Mindy is my daughter. Oh! That’s why
you’re tripping on me. You don’t like someone
dating your daughter. I raised my daughter to be a strong,
independent woman, capable of making
her own decisions. That being said, sometimes I disagree
with those decisions. Look, don’t worry about it.
Mindy and I are just friends. I haven’t even
banged her yet. [tyres screech] [groans] Oh, God! I should really get the
brakes checked in this car. We’re tracking
an inbound UFO. It just entered
the atmosphere. Excellent. Men, this is
a moment in time that has been
decades in the making. Tonight, our alien friends
will bestow upon us a gift that will
give humanity its rightful place
in the galaxy. Tonight, we get
our champion– [fireworks bursting] Tonight, we will
get our champion– [fireworks bursting] Tonight, the Earth
will get its– [fireworks bursting] Who in the hell
authorised fireworks? [fireworks bursting] What the… There’s a burn ban
out here for a reason. [siren blaring] Hold on, kid.
Got to make a pit stop. [Herman] Whoo! [Woody] Awesome. [Herman] Looks like it’s time
for another beer run, Woody. This is only my second. How many did
you drink, Herman? Whatever 24
minus two is, man! You do the math!
[chuckles] You ain’t gonna
figure it out, dumbass. Light another one. [sniffles and clears throat] [whispering] Yeah,
all right. Here we go. Come on, now.
Come on. [firework whistling] [exclaiming] [Woody] Darn tree! [Hagan] Oh, shit! [explosion] [cackling] [Herman] Direct hit!
Nice one, Woody. [Woody] Oh, it was nothing. [Hagan] Hey! Well, look who it is.
Woody, prep another one. Stay where
you are, Woody. No, Woody,
prep another one. Look here, Officer. This here
is private property. It’s not your private
property, Herman. Besides, you’re
breaking the law. Since when’s blowing
shit up against the law? Since they
invented laws. What do they
say about this? Add littering to
my list of offences. Give me the fireworks or spend the night
in the drunk tank! That goes for
you too, Woody. I done that before. Someone threw a ball
and I fell in a tub of water. No, that’s a dunk tank.
Drunk tank is jail. Oh, I don’t
want to do that. You want the fireworks? Fine, I’ll give you
a firework. Oh. The Mama Gigante. The courier vessel
is arriving, sir. All right,
this is it, everyone. [guns cocking] High-pressure moment.
What you gonna do, Hagan? Herman. Ooh… Herman. It’s gonna be a big one! Do not light
that firework. Do it!
Light that bastard! One more word
out of you and I– You’ll what, you gonna
double-arrest me? [laughs] [Hagan] Herman. Er… Officer Hagan– [Hagan] Not now, Woody. Herman. What’s that? Do not light that… Oops. Too slow.
Just like always. That’s it, come… [Hagan] What is that? Yeah, you think
I’m gonna fall for… Ooh… Oh, shit! [explosion] [Herman exclaiming] [Hagan] That is your fault! You did the one thing
I said not to do! I shot E.T.! I killed E.T.!
I didn’t do it! Guys, guys, guys!
Help! Help! I promise I won’t try
to bang your daughter! [thudding] What in God’s name
was that? What the hell
was that? That was
Woody’s fault. My bad. [all groaning] [siren wailing] [Woody] Is that it? [Zach] No,
it’s another spaceship that fell out
of the sky, dumbass. I’ll check it out.
You guys stay here. [Zach] Holy shit!
This is awesome! Just, everybody
calm down. Calm down?
We’re gonna be rich! That’s a UFO!
[chuckles] A goddamn Unidentified
Flying Object! [Woody] It’s not
flying, Herman. It’s an Unidentified
Laying-on-the-Ground Object. This is serious,
we need to… Hey, what are you doing? [shutter clicking] Taking selfies. First people to shoot
down a spaceship? That’s like
1,000 likes. It is not a spaceship. It’s military,
probably from the base. And we did not
shoot it down. Yeah, Woody
shot it down. Sorry, y’all,
I got to be more careful. You’re on fire, genius. Whoa! Darn fire! Nobody shot it down,
okay? It crashed. And if you’re smart,
you’ll stick to– [whirring] Is that a body? Nasty. That is not a body. Looks like… armour. Yeah, that is
definitely military. Zach, leave it alone. Yeah, right. Finders keepers.
I’m hawking all this shit. Except this one. Daddy likes. What else
they got in there? [Hagan] Come on, guys,
it could be dangerous. Do you think?
That would be badass! [Herman] Oh! Come to Papa. There’s a trigger,
but it doesn’t work. Stop… [mimics gunfire] Oh, yeah, this is
definitely an upgrade. I hope you bad boys
like toe fungus. [chuckles] [Hagan] Woody! [beeping] Oh, this is neat. They made me wear a helmet
in elementary school, but I outgrew it. [shutter clicking] [Hagan] Woody, come on,
just put it back. Ooh. Looks like your
head’s in a fishbowl. Oh, not again. Take that thing off,
for crying out loud. You too. I ain’t taking off shit. Give me that! Whoa! They’re supposed
to go together. Find your own! Kid, I’m not trying
to take it from you. I’m just trying
to put it back. [chiming] [powering up] What did you do? Nothing, I said
put it back! You turned it on! No, I didn’t! Mine’s on too, man! [clicking and whirring] [all screaming] Oh, man, it feels like
my legs just gave birth. I didn’t think
it was that bad. [whirring] [screaming] [all screaming] [shrieking] Oh, God! I think
it ate my brain. Greetings, oh, Champion. Dude, I told you
it was aliens. Greetings,
gross alien, whose planet I don’t
know the name of. We are Earthlings
from Planet Earth. You’re talking
to a recording. Oh, right.
Greetings, Recording,
from the Planet Record. The Antarian Federation
bestows upon you, this Suit of Power. Suit of Power? A great battle
awaits you. The fate of your world
lies in your hands. Our enemy
is powerful, but a true champion
will prevail. That’s gonna get
him mad at you! Prepare yourself. And good luck,
Champion of Earth. Conflict is coming. “Conflict is coming”?
Well, then, Herman is leaving. I ain’t got no
time for conflict. Hold on a second. [chuckles] My limp!
It’s gone! Check me out!
My limp is gone! [exclaiming] It’s a Christmas miracle. I’m back in the game!
[chuckles] What’s the matter,
Chubbs, you stuck? Are you? [grunts] Shit,
my throwing arm! How do we get
these things off? I’m never taking
these off, baby. [groaning] I think I got it. [pulse fires] [Zach] Whoa! [Hagan] Are you kidding me? [Zach] Oh, my God! That’s a firework! Whoo! [Hagan] My car. My helmet says “warning”
and it’s pointing up. You think it’s trying to
warn me about my brain? Oh, no! [Zach] Whoa! A shield! That’s awesome… if you don’t have
a gun that shoots lasers! We got to get these off. I’m never
taking this off! I’m like Iron Man! Hold on! [Woody] Herman? Hey, you guys see that? No, we didn’t. [exclaims]
I was running fast. We got to get this off! I’m not taking shit off! [Woody] Guys, my helmet’s
talking to me again. “There will be
an immediate treat.” Are we getting treats? [soldier] Come on! Come on! [soldiers chattering] Hands in the air! Do not move! Don’t shoot.
Don’t shoot. They’ve donned the suit,
how do we proceed? [Emory over radio]
Incapacitate them.
No, don’t do that! Why don’t you
incapacitate this? [clicking] [groaning] I’m a police officer,
I was just in the process of– [groaning] That was an accident. Take him down! [soldier] Open fire! [rapid gunfire] He’s got defences! [retching] Did we take him out? No, I think
he just fainted. Take him out again. Take him out again. [hissing] [soldier] Stop resisting! There’s not gonna be
any treats, is there? [groans] [Hagan] Woody! Come on, guys, he’s half brain
damaged already! [commander]
Bag ’em up, men! Ah! The bag won’t fit! Sir, he’s unbaggable. Just get him
in the truck. Get him in the truck. You’re all
under arrest! [music playing] “UFO spotted in Milford”? Crazy. Zach? And Dad? Oh, my God.After multiple reportsof a UFO sighting
in Milford, Texas,
a Twitter post
showing several men
at what seems to
be the crash site
has gone viral.…calling themselves
“Lazer Team.” Could this be first contact
with an alien race? I just don’t
believe in aliens. I’ve seen better alien
technology at Comic-Con.You’d be crazy to
think they’re legit.
You thought I was crazy,but you’re the ones
in your mind prisons!
You know who ain’t?
You know who’s free?
Lazer Team, that’s who!
Yeah! Whoo!
Mmm… Oh, no. Morons, they left me
my laser gun! I can just blast
us out of here. And blow this
whole place up? [grunting] What the hell?
Holy shit. I think they
gave me amnesia. Anaesthesia. Localized
to disable our extremities. [choking] What did I just say? [Hagan] My arm’s numb, too. Clearly, they
paralysed the parts of– Shut up, dude.
I’m out. [thuds] Like your boots. You should have waited
until I finished talking. Why are we here? [Emory] You’re here to talk. At approximately
2300 hours, you not only managed
to crash an alien spacecraft, but you also commandeered a highly classified
weapon system. How? Fifth Amendment, bitch. Also, we would
like to exercise our right to an attorney, and trial by a jury
of our peers. [chokes] We know our rights. My taxes
pay your salary, buddy. Mr Mendoza, you haven’t
paid taxes in 15 years. It’s a figure of speech. This isn’t a game. Who’s this douchebag? This “douchebag” is the
rightful wearer of that suit. I’m the
Champion of Earth. [all laughing] You look like the
champion of swim team. [Zach] Where’s your
junk in there? We’re all champions, dude.
The alien told us. What alien? The Antarctican guy. From the Planet
Record– Antaria. There was a…
A hologram came out. It said there’s some
kind of… battle coming. In less than five days, an alien warrior
will arrive to do battle with whoever is
wearing this suit. To the death. The hologram
left that part out. Gentlemen,
this is not a game. This alien species,
the Worg, they’re called, they’re on a crusade
to eradicate any race they deem weak. Seventeen
civilizations destroyed. They’re demanding to do battle
with the Earth Champion to determine the fate
of our planet. Ooh, like the ancient
Hebrew account of David versus Goliath.
[croaks] Yes, and as David
needed his slingshot, we need our
Suit of Power. All right, take
the pieces off of us, put ’em on Hitler Youth,
and we’ll bounce! They can’t take
the pieces off. If they could,
they would have done it while we were
knocked out. The suit has a protection
mechanism built into it. It genetically locks
onto whoever puts it on and activates it. I assure you nobody is
happy about this situation, but the fate of
the Earth is at stake. You do want to save
the planet, don’t you? [scoffs] This planet? [scoffs]
A little bit. There’s a lot of jackasses. [Emory] What? You told me
to let you know if the media reported
on the incident. [Emory] Who picked it up?
Local news or national? Both, but it’s
worse than we thought. It’s on Facebook. Are you kidding me? [Zach] My mom shared it. You posted a threat to
national security on Facebook? Nobody told me not to. I told him not to. What’s the “Lazer Team”? [Zach] Oh, dude, that’s us! You spelt
“laser” wrong. How would you know? Delete it. Okay, that has
1,200 likes. No way, the last time
I had over 1,000 likes, was when I
“accidentally” posted a picture of my
penis in a hotdog bun. Delete it
or I’ll delete you. Ooh! You better
do what he say. All right. Congratulations,
gentlemen. You are now officially
part of Project Perseus. Training begins
at 0500. [all] Training? And do me one favour.
Try not to get us all killed. You guys are trending,
by the way. What? Nice. Can I friend you?
If that’s… No. I’ll be on the other
side of the window… if you need me. [Adam]You expect me
to train the idiots
that stole my
birthright from me?
I’ve worked my
entire life for this.
[Emory]That is why
they need your help.
You’re the only one
experienced enough
to teach them how
to use it in time.
[Adam]Four days?I’ve trained
every day for decades.
[Emory]Adam, is this
about the planet or you?
[Adam]Without me,
there is no planet!
[helicopter blades whirring] When Perseus was sent
to defeat the Gorgon, he was armed with
four gifts from the heavens. A sword, boots,
a helmet and a shield. With these gifts,
he was victorious. You’ll now begin
your formal training to utilise your… gifts. We only have four days until the Worg
Champion arrives to kill you and
destroy our planet. We start now. [in British accent]
Uh, pardon me, old chap. I have a question,
if I may. It can wait. Fair play. I got a question. Why does
he sound British now? His helmet is
making him intelligent. [scientist 1]
Woody’s a stupid person, and that’s what
stupid people think smart people sound like. It’s dumb Woody’s
version of smart Woody. That’s idiotic. Precisely. No, that makes sense. How? It makes sense. What’s up? That’s enough. My name’s Herman. Enough! Let’s get started. [woman] Anthony Hagan.
Test number one. The Repulsor
Defensive Gauntlet produces an energy shield impenetrable by any weapon. First test is to stop
the incoming projectiles. I just have a quick
question before we begin. [machine powering up] How exactly–
[groaning] Yeah! Yeah! Best test ever!
Run it back! [Woody] I freaking
love science. [Adam] Next! [woman] Test number 17. Use the Particle
Acceleration Gauntlet to destroy the targets by firing concussive blasts
at varying intensities. Let’s go with
a low power setting. I know what I’m doing. Let’s crank
this baby up to– [pulse firing] Whoa! [Zach groaning] Next! Test number 43. Use the Positronic Helmet
to locate the targets. The visor is
equipped with zoom, …and other
visual enhancements. Guys! Oh! What’s your problem? Looks like a malfunction. No! I can fix it. Shut it off! Keep your head still. I wish I was dead! Next. [Woody] Ugh! It’s so close! Test number 124. Use the Quantum
Boots to jump over all of the hurdles
before the buzzer sounds. Excuse me, you can’t
smoke on this course. Oh, word? Watch me. Wait, wait, wait! [Woody] You were supposed
to jump over the hurdles. Put him on a special diet.
No smoking, no drinking. Just kill me now. Next. Next. Next. Next. Next. Next. Next! Next! [guard]
Sleep tight, Lazy Team. See you tomorrow. [all groaning] [Zach] In four hours! That was awful. I haven’t run that fast since Half-ass Hagan
ruined my life. Yes, this level of rigorous
training can be difficult. [Zach] You didn’t
do anything. All you did was see
some naked people. I also performed an enormous
amount of calculations! Oh, that sounds brutal. I thought it was
pretty impressive. [Zach] No,
this is impressive. Where’d you get that? I stole it. I think
I’ll give Mindy a call. Please don’t do that. If you want to see
how bad she wants you, see how long
she says “Hey.” “Hey”? “Yeah, “Hey”
is like “What’s up?” But “Hey” means, I like you.
Anything more than that, and you know she wants to see
your penis in a hotdog bun. [chiming]Zach?Hey, Mindy.Hey…[chuckles] Is that blood on your shirt?
Are you okay? [Zach]Long day.Met some aliens
and got a laser gun. Military picked us up, now they’re training us
to save the world. All I did today
was eat Froyo. Oh, that’s awesome.
I love Froyo. After I beat up
these alienstrying to destroy
the planet,
I’m totally
getting some Froyo.
That’s it? Froyo is tasty.Hey, is my dad there?
Is he okay?
[Zach] Uh, yeah. But his piece of
armour kind of sucks, so I’m not sure if he’s
gonna make final Lazer Team. [scoffs] Look, Zach.My dad may not be
very strong or brave
or smart.
But he is really good at…Er…Hmm. I love you too,
sweetie. [Franksen] This is
just like camping. No one ever
invites me camping. I know I was ordered
to be here, but– [Murdoch] Shut up! [Franksen] Just saying. Mur, why they got
us out here all night guarding this
damn wrecked ship? Top secret stuff, refry.
They need their best on it. [belches] [groans] Besides,
beats patrol duty. [explosion] What the
hell was that? Let’s go have
a look-see, dickholes. Franksen, stay. You guys sure you
don’t need any help– Stay, Frank. Okay. Careful, guys. There’s possums
and stuff. I’ll be damned.
More alien stuff. I’ll radio it in. Or maybe we take
a look first, see if this one’s
got any of them fancy gadgets
those morons got. [chuckles] [hissing and whirring] Ooh, baby. [laughing] [Bean] Careful, Mur. [clicks] Uh… [chuckles] [chittering] What’s that? Mur, what is that? Mur, what is that? Ah! Get it off! Get it off me! Get it off me! [screaming] [thunder rumbling] Guys? Hey, guys! You guys okay? Jeez. I thought
something bad was gonna– [wood clacking] Adam? No. Adam. I said I’m done. I’m not doing it. Will you just listen? [grunts and exhales] We can cut
the pieces off. Jenkins was wrong– How can you
say he’s wrong? We do that,
we have nothing! The suit works as a unit. We separate it,
it’s not as powerful. You can forget about using
the Dark Matter Ray or any of the other
higher suit functions. They won’t make it. Make them make it.
That’s your job. My job is to be
Champion of Earth. That job was
taken by the four men sitting down
in the brig. Get used to it. They’ll fail. And then we’ll have to cut
those pieces off. I guarantee it. [grunts] [Adam]They’ll fail.And then we’ll have to
cut those pieces off.
[gate clicks] Thanks. Everybody sound asleep, huh? [snoring] Lazer Team angels. They look precious. What’s that, then? Your new uniforms. Specially formulated
by the US Military with advanced microfibres. And they are not
anti-flammable. So they are flammable? They will not
retard flames. Most clothing’s flammable,
why even mention that? File this under
“most clothing,” because these will burn. Are you expecting
us to catch on fire? I should go. What are you looking at? I said, open the door. [door closes] [suits squeaking] For today’s test,
you will learn a higher suit function known as
the Dark Matter Ray. Accessible only when… the suit is used
in unison. What’s the problem? It’s riding up my gooch. Half this suit’s
inside me. I’m wearing a onesie. [Adam] Deal with it. Aren’t you supposed
to be superheroes? Lazer Squad? It’s Lazer Team. Why are we
Lazer Team? Because I have a laser. We don’t. [Zach] You’re the team part. Let’s be “Boot Group.” “Helmet Boy
and Friends”? “The Marvellous Shield”?
“Shield” can be an acronym– So lame. You’re lame. You got something better? [Zach] Lazer Team! Nobody cares about
your stupid name! Can we focus on
what we’re here for? Save the planet? The most important
thing to keep in mind is when that
first wave comes out, those particles
like to travel… [Woody]Zachary,
do not react.
I’m talking to you
telepathically.
Whoa! Are you really?
That’s badass! Shut up and listen! Now, during
the first wave… [Woody]Shh. Don’t panic.I’m talking to all
of you right now.
[Zach]This is weird.My helmet’s
abilities are growing as they adjust to me. But this is all new. I’ve made this place
so we can talk mentally. I’m not sure how
long I can do it, but I need to
tell you something. So everyone concentrate. Yeah. Everybody
concentrate. And nobody think
about anything weird. Are you thinking
about something weird? No. Yeah, we can see
you thinking about it. Well, now you are too. You made me
think about this. I can’t stop, either. I overheard a conversation.
Adam wants to sabotage us. He wants the
pieces for himself. If we don’t pass today,
they’re going to cut them off. Pay attention. I’ll stop thinking
about it. Let me come up
with something. I got it. Oh, you gotta be– Hi, Daddy. [Adam] Which is why
the Dark Matter Ray may be the only thing
that can defeat the Worg. Just remember what I said
and you should be fine. Ready? [whirring] Begin. Come here,
you son of a bitch! [all groaning] Throw ’em back
in their cells. [Herman] Man, why you
doing me like this? Why you guys
gotta be like this? [retching] That can’t have
helped our chances. Don’t worry,
we’ll be fine. Woody says we are
literally on a chopping block. I wouldn’t be surprised
if somebody came and took us away. They need us.
There’s no way that– [door opens] Hey, are you guys… the “Champion of Earth”? Yeah. [retches] We’re as close as
you’re gonna get. Okay. Well,
it’s time for your… [laughs] [whispers] Jesus. Your physical. You were saying? [man over pa]Dr Flanniga
to the OR, please.
All right.
Patient number one,
step right through here. [Hagan] Don’t worry,
you’ll be okay. [nurse] Patient number two,
right there. Patients number
three and four, In here? We’re together? [sighs] Oh, I ain’t
going in there. [keyboard clacking] Hey, man. Hey, man,
you a good doctor or you one of them
crazy doctors? Ooh, you a bad doctor. We were told
this was a physical. Do we actually
need these restraints? It’s for your own safety. That didn’t make
me feel very safe. Hagan! What? I gotta tell you something.
I just want you to know I’ve always hated you. I’ve always hated
you the most! Not now. [Herman] This is
all your fault! If you would’ve
left us alone, none of this
would’ve happened. But, no, you had to take
me on a space adventure. Now they’re gonna
cut my legs off. You, sir, are a bitch. Herman. You just need… to shut the hell up! Sorry. I saw everything,
that was self-defence. I can’t believe I’m saying it,
but good job, Hagan! Get me now! Hold still. No, you don’t need that! Just unbuckle me! There’s no time. There was time
to unbuckle you… [screaming] [drill whirring] [groaning] I think I need
a new gown. Nah, you’re fine. Here. Get dressed.
Let’s go find Woody. And the kid. Let’s not get too
far ahead of ourselves. [guard] Okay,
so we get a cab, take it back to the
trailer park, all right? One thing leads to another, we’re on my water bed,
making out. I take her top off,
wouldn’t you believe it, she had a tattoo
of Adolf Hitler on her left boob, and another one of
Joseph Stalin on her right. [man over pa]Dr Marquee
to the Psychiatric Ward.
[indistinct shouting] Hey! [yelling] Hey, kid, you free? Yeah, I used the laser gun
to get my cuffs off. Where’s your orderly? Yeah, he… He went
away someplace. What’s that dust? Nobody. I mean, nothing. [Zach] This is never
gonna work. Slow down! I am pushing. Push with two hands. I only have one. I only have one, too. Your other hand is inside
a giant freaking hand! What is this? [Hagan] Oh, er… This is one of
the spacesuit guys. He just died.
The really fat gross one. Just shit himself
and collapsed. [Zach] Embarrassing
way to die, fat and covered in crap. You can take a look,
as long as you don’t mind lots of shit and grossness
on a big, fat body. We’ll pass.
Move along. You sure? Yeah. You can dive in there. Move along. [Hagan] Thanks,
keep up the good work. [Zach] God bless America. [Herman] What has happened
to Boot Group? [Hagan] Shut up. This won’t hurt a bit.
[screaming] Woody! Get up, Woody! Oh, my God!
They took his head! Oh, hey, guys. [all screaming] Kill it! Kill it! Oh, my God, they took my arm!
How am I just noticing this! Why? Why? Guys, relax. It’s fine. Seems Stealth Mode
isn’t entirely effective when fractured.
Is anyone hurt? I’m fine. I’m 100%. I’m good. Hey, thanks. I’m good, too. [grunts] All right, hurry up. They’re gonna figure
out we’re gone any… [alarms ringing] second. Now what? Don’t worry,
I know the way. Okay, this should be
the quickest way out. [sighs] [Woody] Bollocks. Woody, can you, uh,
hack the mainframe? I’ll just blast
it at full power. Zach, don’t– Oh, great job, you hit everything
but the goddamn door. What the hell is
this door made of? [door chiming] [Adam] Where you going? [grunts] Give me my suit. You can have the suit! Boots, do something. [groans] All right– [groans] You’re just
wasting time. Oh, that’s quite
impressive. [whimpers] [exclaims] Hey! You want
to give me a hand? Thanks. Everyone
join together. What? How are you
doing this? You’re not supposed
to be able to do that. I guess we’re
working together now. Teamwork and shit! You’re not a team.
You’re a joke. You idiots think you
can save the planet? The only champion this
planet has is me– [groans] Whoo! That’s what you get for messing with
Lazer Team, bitch. Great job, Zach.
Good work, everybody, let’s… Er… All right, let’s go. Zach! Crap. Find them. [siren wailing] [man over pa]
Attention all soldiers.
The Perseus Project
has escaped.
I repeat, Lazer Team
is on the loose
and they’re considered
armed and dangerous.
[Zach] They’re everywhere,
we’ll never get past them. Speak for yourself. Isn’t Woody supposed
to be like MacGyver? Build us a hovercraft
out of paperclips. Does anyone remember
where we left that gurney? [rapid gunfire] [all screaming] And that cat tells the baby,
“What? Oh, no, you didn’t!” Cat nap? More like
“cat, oh, snap,” am I right? I know you’ve heard of these guys on the Internet
calling themselves Lazer Team.They’re on Facebook,
on Instagram, on Snapchat,
and Jimmy Kimmel,
I know it’s you, man.
[doorbell rings]Come out and quit playing.
I ain’t no fool.
Fool me once, shame on me.Fool me twice,
shame on Jimmy Kimmel.
Are you Mindy Hagan? We’d like to ask you
some questions. [Hagan] We can hide out here,
but don’t touch anything. It’s my ex-wife’s cabin,
if you break something, I’d hate to have
to pay for it. It’s like a Hobby
Lobby threw up in here. Is this your ex-wife’s place
or your grandma’s? [Hagan] Let’s say she
has very classical taste. This is Mindy’s mom, huh? Nice. I see
where she gets it. Put it down. Now. Guys, if this
countdown is correct, this alien Worgle thing
is gonna be here in two days. So we just chill out here and let this whole
thing blow over. That’s not
what we’re doing. It’s not? Statistically, the best
option for the planet was to let them amputate. A choice
I found disagreeable, given my
0% survival rate. Actually, zero would
be absolute certainty that I wouldn’t survive,
when, naturally– Woody. Sorry. Let the government handle it.
That’s why we vote! You don’t vote. It’s a figure of speech. Guys, we took
their Suit of Power. We’re morally
obligated to do something– Don’t lecture me. We’re in this
predicament because of you. The whole reason I’m in
this bullshit town is you. [arguing continues] [chiming]Zachary, is that you?Yeah. Damn, Mindy,
you look good.It is an Earth leopard.
Thank you.
Do you still possess the Particle
Acceleration Gauntlet? What, the laser gun?
Yeah, you like that? I like that very much.What is your location,
so we can meet and mate?
Are you serious?Absolutely.It is important
that we do that.
But first,
we must meet.
We’re just hanging
out at your old cabin.I should be there soon.I’m excited and plan to be
very fertile upon arrival. [Zach chuckling]Oh, yes.[kisses] I love this thing. [man over pa]
Attention all units,
Perseus Project is looseand considered
armed and dangerous,
proceed with caution.Please, keep your head
on a… Oh, shit.
[all gasping]My boss is here.
Guys, I gotta call you back.
General Cale.
I wasn’t expecting you. Emory, we appreciate
your dedication, but we’re moving ahead
with a contingency plan. General,
I appreciate that, but we will get this
under control. I feel that once
the Lazer Team– What did you
just call them? I meant, the prisoners. Once apprehended– Enough. Sir! Bill, we need to try
fighting this alien first. Before we launch
a nuclear weapon that just kills
millions of people. [sighs]
Prepare the nuke. We’ve got a planet
to save. And more importantly,
a nation. [Zach] Dude,
what’s his problem? Who, Herman? Yeah, it’s like
Hagan’s the worst thing that’s ever happened
to him. But they must’ve been friends
at some point. Look. Herman doesn’t
really talk about it. It’s complicated. Complicated? Like, gay? No, why would you
assume gay? You paused.
Seemed like a gay pause. What’s a gay pause?
It was a regular pause. Whatever.
I’m gonna find out. [knock on door] Don’t get up, guys. Just somebody knocking on the door
of our secret hideout. Mindy? Hello, Father. How did you find us? I communicated
with Zachary. Oh, really? He’s one of
the Earth Champions. That’s a really
formal way to say that. I purchased food
as a distraction. Food! Thank you,
I’m starving. Come in! Thank you so much. Oh, hey, Mindy. Hello, Zachary. Y’all eating
in here? [chuckling] All right. I hate to interrupt,
but may I have a moment in private
with you? Er, yeah, sure. [Mindy] It is best
for us to be alone so that no one can monitor the things I’m going
to say and do to you. [Herman]
Where your daughter at? Hmm? [Zach] Before we do this,
I have to tell you something. I know you think
I’m a stud, and I am, but I’ve never
actually been with a girl. But I practise on
myself all the time. And I’m pretty
sure that counts. It’s not that I don’t
want to bang you, I absolutely do,
but I also like you. Maybe those are
connected somehow. I don’t know. Does that make sense? Thank you, God. [electronic chirp] What the hell? Whoa! Have you been
working out? Give it to me.
Give it to me, now! You like it rough, huh? Too rough, too rough. Jesus, Mindy. What do you want? I want what you have. [groans] [Mindy] Give it to me,
Zachary, or I’ll rip it off. Are you serious? [chuckles] Zachary. Maybe we should
just be friends. [rattling] [shatters] [man on tv]Now,
he’s a happy little tree.
He was sad till we put
some leaves on him.
But in our world,
everything’s happy.
[mattress squeaks loudly] Help me! [man on tv]Clouds are
the freest things in nature.
Hey, man, I don’t like you,
but this is embarrassing. Damn it, Mindy. Mmm. Your grandkid could
come out half laser. All right,
I can’t take it any more. Mindy! [all exclaiming] [Herman] Jesus. [Zach] God, no,
I’m gonna throw up! Mindy? [all] Oh! [Hagan] Mindy, honey,
are you okay? What did you do to her? [Herman] Your relationship
is complicated. What you need to do is– Herman, look out! Oh! Zach, no. Don’t lay
a hand on my… daughter. Mindy, no, wait. [all shouting] [yelling] Woody. [whimpering] Hey, hey! Hey. No, no, no. Zach, don’t hurt her. She’s gone crazy. She’s possessed, Zach. Huh? That thing on her neck. [Woody]Herman, use the tape.Screw that. Nobody
possesses my girlfriend. Aw. I’m your girlfriend? Well, yeah… [laughs]
Yeah, that’s my girl. Herman, now! Mindy!
I got her, come on. We need to get
this thing off of her. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait. I am Woodrow,
a Champion of Earth. To whom are we speaking? I know this
device is monitored. This one is now
a servant of the Worg. Mmm. Those are bad guys. Thanks for the update. It is our planet or yours,
and it will be yours. We don’t want your planet.
We just want peace. The Loodels wanted peace.
Now, they are nothing. No, it doesn’t have
to be like that! Nobody– [Woody] Zach, no! [parasite chirps] What did you do
that for, you bellend? To kill
the alien bug thing! We were negotiating. You just destroyed
our only means
to communicate! Oh, my bad. Hey, y’all. Why is that thing
making a beeping noise? [parasite beeping] [Woody] It’s got
a self-destruct mechanism! What do we do? You guys
get her out of here! Go, go, go! I guess it’s not gonna– [Hagan screaming] Ow. What took you so long,
Half-ass? Hagan, you’re alive! [Zach] Yeah,
that’s the bad news. The good news
is you get to buy your ex a new house. Daddy,
what are you doing here? Wait. What am I doing here? [engine starting] Are those headlights?
The military! [Woody] Guys,
those soldiers are possessed by Worg parasites, too. [Hagan] They’re trying
to sabotage us. Everybody,
get in the truck, now! Mindy, come on. [engine stalls] Go, come on. Somebody’s gonna have
to get out and push! Screw you guys! Go, go, go! Boot Group! [Woody] Herman,
you’re doing it! [Herman] No shit I’m doing it! Faster, they’re
gaining on us. [Herman] Faster?
I’m pushing a truck, man. [growls] What the hell
is going on? No time to explain. You were possessed
by an alien probe, now we’re being
chased by soldiers who also appear
to be possessed. I guess there was
time to explain. Faster, Herman!
Use those power thighs! [Hagan] Faster! You get out and push! [growls] Board the truck. [Herman]
They’re coming up fast! Herman, I’m coming. [Murdoch] Take them out. Maybe we can just
talk this over– [laughs] Hey, dickhead!
Knock-knock! Hagan, there’s
a low-hanging obstacle! [Hagan] What did you say? Never mind. Yeah! [Murdoch] Kill them all! God damn it! I think we’ve
agitated them. Whoa. [growls] Destroy the truck! Get them, Zachary. I got this. [Hagan] Down, Herman! [Herman]
Don’t miss, don’t miss… [Hagan] Don’t move. Oh, bloody hell,
you missed him. [growling] Oh, never mind.
Good job. [laughs] Whoo! Great job, kid! [Zach] Take that,
you sons of bitches! [Adam] Two million
views and counting. [Emory] Damn it. What the hell is it
with these kids and the Internet? They were actually
working together. It’s unbelievable. You guys wanna see
a video of a guy eating a tennis shoe? [Woody] Keep going, Herman.
Good job! Just keep pushing.
Just a little bit further. Keep it coming, just a…
Okay. All right. Our high school? What is the matter
with you? Why not steer us
towards prison? I’m picking up
a transmission. You should hear this. In here. Wait, we have
a computer lab? Nerds must love this place. Didn’t you go
to school here? [reporter on screen
You are looking live
at Milford, Texas.This is truly
a landmark event, Janine.
The craft descended
only a few minutes ago,
but already has altered
the course of human history…
forever.And to anyone
who’s ever wondered,
“Are we alone
in the universe?”
[sighs]There’s your answer.Man, look at
the size of that thing! [crowd screaming] [reporter] Janine,
something is happening. It appears the ship has
beamed something down. It’s some sort
of force field. [menacing laughter] [leader speaking
native language] [robotic voice translating
Earth mongrels,
the battle for your
world will soon begin.
Bring your pitiful champions
to the field of battle.
Any failure to appear
will be considered forfeit,
followed by the destruction
of your entire planet.
You have 24 hours to comply.[beeps]We are Worg.
We are your destruction.
[menacing laughter] What a dick. Don’t worry, we’ll do…
something. Right, guys? Uh-uh. That’s it
for me. I’m out. You’re out? Herman,
the whole planet’s involved. Yeah, we’ve done
this before, Half-ass. You and me. We know how this goes. Done what? [Herman] It was 20 years ago,
State championships. They called me
the Texas Tornado. I had a full
scholarship all set up. We were 10 yards
from a perfect record.Hagan had to block one guy.He missed.
I got blind-sided.
[bone cracks]Lost the championship.And I never…[Zach]Your limp.I lost everything. My scholarship,
my future, my dream. Because somebody who was
supposed to be my friend, supposed to have my back,
wasn’t there! We weren’t champions then,
and we ain’t champions now. Army wants to
fight these things? Let them. I’m sitting this one out. You can block
for somebody else. Don’t you understand?
We have a second chance. You’re not strong enough
to block with the shield! It’s gonna be
a two-hit fight! The Worg hits you, you hit the ground. Then he hits me
and I’m dead! That’s more
than two hits. Shut up! Herman, I cannot change
what happened in the past. All I can do is
make things better now. No matter what
comes your way, I will block it. [glass shatters] What? Nice block, asshole! That is not my fault! I didn’t know
we were starting! Shut up! Damn it! I’m out! We’ll be all right!
Stick together! Daddy! [parasite beeps] [Woody] Zach, leg it! Mindy, wait! [beeps] Why does everything
explode? [groans] Ow. [growls] [door creaking] [Zach] Mindy? Crap! It’s this asshole. Ha! Gotcha! Oh, shit! God damn it, Woody! [panting] [blurps] Shit. [laughing] Come on. Nice try… Champ. [groans] Mindy! Dickhead. Run, come on! [weapon powers up] Don’t look back! [Mindy] Why the hell
would I look back? [Hagan] Come on! [roars] [screams] [screams] Bugger me! [yelping] [beeps] Yes. [laughs] [weapon powers up] [metal clanking] Oh… Ha! Meant to do that, bitch! [chip beeping] [explosion] No, wait. Mindy, stop. Okay, we’re good. [Mindy screams] Wait, wait… We want the suit! Just stop.
Just let her go. I want the suit! Where’s Mindy? [Woody] A possessed
soldier has her. Where? Is that Hagan? [Woody] I’ve got an idea. I hate when you have ideas. Just calm down.
You don’t wanna do this. It’s between
you and me. We will destroy you like we destroyed
the others. Your species cannot
compete with Worg! [Woody]
Hagan, listen to me.
Raise your shield.
Zach has a shot.
[Zach]I do?[Hagan]Zach, don’t shoot!He has Mindy!
You’ll hit her!
Tell your friends
to come out and I won’t make
her suffer. [Woody]
Raise the shield, Hagan.
What’s going on?[Hagan]No, I’m not doing it.One. Two.Do not shoot.Come on![laughing] Three. [screams] [Woody]Hagan, now!Man, you owe me. I said “thank you,”
what else do you want? A case of beer,
a foot massage, and another case
of beer. Mindy! Get off me, fool!
Ain’t nobody hugging you. Everybody okay? Yeah, I shot
the crap out of them. Hey, everyone,
it’s not over yet. [Herman] What now? The military are coming. We gotta move. We gotta find
a place to lie low. No. No? No, I’m not going. I’m tired of making
messes and then just running
away from them. So if you guys
want to run, you go ahead and run. Okay, I get it.
These guys, they almost killed us. And, yes,
my teenage daughter basically beat the shit out
of all four of us at once. But at the end of the day,
when this thing shows up, if we’re not
there to fight it, who’s gonna be? I’m staying. Are you with me? Where are the others? They left. I don’t know
where they went and I don’t care. [Emory] You have no idea
how much damage you’ve done. [Hagan]
Just cut this thing off, give it to somebody
who deserves it. Get him out of here. [man on tv]Twenty minutesafter the “Doomsday
Broadcast,”
police and National Guard
have cordoned off the stadiumand urge
civilians to stay clear.
Soldiers were unable to enter
due to what appears to be
some sort of force field.Questions remain.
Who are these aliens?
What happens when the timer
at the stadium goes to zero?
And who are
the Champions of Earth?
Is it this Lazer
Team we’ve heard of
on social media?
Now joining us via
satellite to discuss,
noted physicist,
Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Dr Tyson,
what do you make of this?
My calculations show that,
scientifically,
we’re screwed.[crowd screaming] [Herman]
What are we doing here? We should be
getting out of town. [Woody] The last place
anyone’s going to look for us is at
the actual fight. We should be
pretty safe here. What are we
gonna do, guys? Maybe we should’ve
turned ourselves in. I feel like these
people deserve a chance. These people are idiots.
Look how that guy spelled “apocalypse.” [man on tv]
The question is this,
will this Lazer Team show upto battle for
the fate of the Earth?
We have one person
who seems to know the answer.
Oh, no.Do you think the Lazer Team
is going to show up?
Uh-huh. They’re not
afraid of monsters,
aliens, or anything else. [man on tv]Is there anythin
you wanna say to them?
Save us, Lazer Team!Don’t let
the Worg eat my brain.
We’re pieces of shit. Well, technically, the human body
is 0.5% faeces. That probably does skew
slightly higher for us. Shut up, Woody. [sighs] Okay, we’ll get
you prepped, and then we’ll get
this thing off of you. Be right back.
[exclaims] First time I’ve done
one of these. So exciting! Yeah, we’re all
happy for you. [crowd cheering] Screw it, I’m going in. [Mindy] Zach. Zachary!
Where are you going? You can’t do this alone! Without you,
we’re just “Team.” What do you
think you’re doing? It’s cool,
I’m the Champion. You’re the Champion? Yes. Cool. Just like them
over there? Son of a bitch. Go join the rest of
the Justice League. I don’t have
time for this! Back up! You believe this guy? [guard] Take him down! I’m the Champion! Put his ass in the car! You need me! You idiots have no idea
what you’re doing! You think
this will work? I don’t know if
it will or won’t. I do know this. Pretty much nothing
we can do at this point that will get us fired. Oh, great, it’s you. Come to gloat? No. Came to get you out. Out? I didn’t believe in you,
not at first, but I’ve seen
what’s possible when you guys
work together. Things that I didn’t even
know were possible. You even did okay on
some of those tests. We did awful
on the tests. Yeah. But you also broke
out of this base, and you took out
four soldiers with alien technology. Frankly, that was
some of the most competent incompetence
I’ve ever seen. And I was raised
by the military. Lazer Team actually has
more experience with this than I do. Even if the surgery
did work, I’d say the right man is already wearing
that Gauntlet. You think we
actually have a shot? Hagan, you were
born for this. Come on, gotta get
you to the stadium.The military has
issued a statement
assuring citizens that the
situation is under control,
but have refused to comment
on the existence
of any such Champions.As the timer ticks down,
only one thing is certain.
If these Champions
are out there,
we sure could use them now.Bill?[crowd cheering] [Mindy] How are we gonna
get Zach out of there? Daddy! Hey. You’re alive!
You have all your parts! Herman, we need
you for this. You think you’re
not fast enough and I’m not strong enough. We’ve had our differences,
but I think– Okay. Okay? I’m in, man. Wow, you made
that super easy. I had a whole speech
ready and everything. Thankfully,
we won’t have to hear that. Woody? I’m in. [Adam] Let’s go. Before that nuclear warhead
beats us to the fight. What? Warhead? Did I not
tell you guys? You didn’t say
anything about a warhead. We have a lot to
deal with tonight. Not my fault. Why didn’t you
say something? I just did. Let’s go, there’s
a nuke, I just… I’m telling you again. [Herman] Man, it didn’t work
inIndependence Day. [reporter on tv]
Less than 10 minutes
on the countdown,the crowd outside is growing
increasingly volatile,
with no response
from the military,
other than to tell
people to stay away.
The entire world is wondering,where is the Champion
of Earth?
So, where is the best place
to get doughnuts around here? I’ve got a list. About four or five places
that are just local. Hey, man, listen. I have a really
powerful laser gun that I sort of
stole from the army. I tried to fight on my own,
I know it was dumb, but there might still be time
to get it to someone– I’m not always
gonna be here to help. You realise that, right? Hagan? Yup. All right,
everybody buckle up. He means it. [officer] Hey! [sirens blaring] [officer over radio]
All units,
police car attempting
to break-in at the stadium.
Hold that.
They’re going away
from the stadium.Go the right way!
That’s the wrong way! You told me to go right! [all] Humvee! [soldier]Stop your vehicle
or we will open fire.
Right, I’m backing up!
I’m backing up! I’m backing up! Watch out!
There’s a lot of people! Go around! [officer over radio]
I think they are heading
for the stadium,
but backwards?
[Zach] Look out! [Woody] No! Take ’em down! [Woody] Barbeque! Stop! [Zach] Look out! Oh, shit! Everybody, hold on! [officer] Don’t let them
get to the stadium! [Woody] Don’t stop!
Don’t stop! Drive! Drive! Drive! Hold on! [Woody] Look out! No! [reporter on tv]Absolutely
astonishing, Janine.
The crowd out here
is going insane.
A vehicle has
entered the stadium.
Could this be our
Champion of Earth?
Humanity’s one
chance for survival?
[all exclaiming] [Herman] They was
shootin’ at us! I am not driving
with you again! I got us here, didn’t I? Barely. Okay. Sir, the warheads
are primed. Ready to launch
on your mark. Hey, what are you
doing here? Coaching. [loud reverberation] [Antarians cheering] Greetings, Champions of Earth. Hey, it’s the Recording. Antarian. Today you will battle
for the fate of your planet. Prepare to meet your opponent. I’m scared. Don’t be. You guys can win this.
You have the Suit of Power. There’s nothing
else like it. All right. Presenting the Worg Champion. Wait a minute. [growls] Is he wearing
a Suit of Power? Oh, come on! This fool tryin’
to join Boot Group! [Zach] “Nothing like it,”
my ass. This is bullshit! Where the hell
did he get a Suit of Power? The same place we did.
From them. [Herman] Oh, come on! Say that into my other ear, because it sounded like
you said the Antarians. As you can see, your opponent has been given
an identical Suit of Power. This will ensure a fair
and most pleasing competition. Competition?
What’s he talking about? Guys, take a look. I’ve intercepted a file
from the Antarian ship. Is that a March
Madness bracket? Close. It’s an intergalactic
gladiatorial circuit, where the reward
is planetary salvation. What does that mean? It means
that this war we’re about to
fight isn’t a war. It’s a goddamn
sporting match! Instead of winners
getting trophies, losers get their
planet destroyed. [Herman] What a bunch
of assholes! The Earth is
never gonna be safe. So what are we
supposed to do now? Long-term? Find a way to
break the circuit. Short-term… Don’t lose. We’re screwed. This is impossible. No, it’s not. Don’t say that.
You guys can do this. Get out there and win
one for Earth, okay? Great pep talk, Coach.
Thanks. We have to fire
the nuke. [Emory] We’re still evacuating
thousands of people from the blast radius. [man] And it didn’t work i
Independence Day,
sir. Let’s just see
what they can do. [speaking native language] I wonder what he said. He had a very
lower Worgon dialect, but I think he
said he was gonna
slowly kill us, forcing us each to eat
the remains of the last, before himself
eating what was left. That’s nasty. Shit. [Antarians cheering] This is it.
Get ready! [growls] Come on, bitch.
Hell, yeah! Guys, I don’t have a weapon. My balls just went numb. Lazer Team… Game on! [buzzer ringing] [Hagan] Heads up! [Worg laughs] This is going splendid! Is it too late to
put money on the Worg? Can’t get past
his shield! Do something! Woody, target the ground! Got it! Zach, charge a big one! [powering up] Now, Zach! Huh? Yes! [Hagan] Don’t let up! Hit him again! Coming back! Two can play this game. Technically,
it’s four of us. I’m outta here. [Woody]Hold on, Hagan,
I’m gonna boost the shield.
[grunting] [whimpers] [laughs] Yes! Yeah! Yes! You can’t mess
with Lazer Team! Whoo! He’s just cloaked!
Don’t let him– [groaning] Come on, sit still! [growling] Zach! [grunts] Yeah! That’s right! “Target locked”?
But I’m the target! Hey! Crispy-looking
space raisin! Why don’t you try
the Texas Tornado? All right, now’s our
chance. Hit him! [bone cracks] Herman! Woody! The Dark Matter Ray! It’s the only way
to put him down. The dark what? You never
taught us that! [groans] Get back up!
On your feet! You gotta fight! [powering up] [gun firing] Why don’t you pick on
someone your own size? [laughs] Adam, what are you doing? I’m buying you time! Get ready to use
the Dark Matter Cannon! We don’t know how! No, but it does! Adam, don’t! Come on,
if you want this planet, you gotta go
through me first! Adam, you’re the one who’s
supposed to save the planet! I think I just did. [screams] No! It’s time
to end this. [growling] [Hagan] Hey, asshole! Well, boys,
I guess he wants a fight. He came to
the right planet. I think he’s about to fire
the Dark Matter Ray again. Then we’ll fire ours.
Get it ready. With the suit separated,
it could kill us. What’s option B? He’ll kill us. We’ll go with option A. What are we doing? All right.
We gotta look like him. [laughing] [Hagan] I gotta
stick it somewhere! Yeah, yeah, yeah! All right,
charge it up! No, what are you doing? I can’t keep this up! The separate pieces
are too unstable! Hold on, everybody!
Just hold on! You cannot fire the ray
with the suit separated! [yelling] Hold on! No! Now! [all screaming] [Woody] We’re outside
the force field. Shit. [growling] [Worg growls] [Antarians screaming] [laughs] [all laughing] Yeah! We did it! Yes! God bless America. [man on tv]
Celebrations are breaking out
across the globeas the alien mothership
appears to have vanished.
No confirmation yet as to
whether the ship
was destroyed…But right now I knoweveryone’s thoughts
and prayers
are with those four men
known as Lazer Team.
Yeah! Nice shooting! Yeah! That bitch is toast! Yeah! Yeah! [exhales] What do we do now? I have no idea. I fancy some
fish-and-chips, to be honest. Enough with
the British thing. I can’t even eat, anyway. This doesn’t even come off.
I’ll just starve to death. I don’t wanna go. All right. [reporter] And here they are,
the Champions. The crowd is going wild. They’re cheering
for the one with the laser. Also the other three. There’s the four of them
in matching suits, and the crowd just loves it. Just look at them. Everyone wants to know,
who are you guys? We’re the guys who
just saved the planet.We’re Lazer Team.[reporter]
Look, there’s kisses. Sorry, Herman. Looks like
I missed another block. But the team won, Hagan.
That’s all that matters. I think I could fix
that boot, Herman. I’ve also been
working on some upgrades. How about we figure out
what we have first? [officer] Secure the area! Great. Can we get a statement?
Are these men under arrest? No, of course not.
I know, to many of you, they didn’t seem like
the heroes you expected, but I personally hand-picked
each member of the Lazer Team. I couldn’t be
prouder of them. That’s bullshit. [Emory] Make no mistake.We may have won the battle,
but the war is far from over.
Starting today, we’re taking
the fight to them. I have asked the President
to immediately greenlight Project Pegasus. Yes! Oh, Queen’s beaver! Ladies and gentlemen, Lazer Team
is going to space. [crowd cheering] What the… [techno music playing]♪ Champion was
chosen for the battle ♪
♪ He was to prepare
with the Suit of Power ♪
♪ But like a snake
without a rattle ♪
♪ We were impaired
but we would not cower ♪
♪ They thought they’d
slaughter us like cattle ♪
♪ They weren’t prepared
for our finest hour ♪
♪ They weren’t prepared
for the Lazer Team ♪
♪ It’s not a dream ♪♪ The most important battle
that the planet’s seen ♪
♪ It’s the Lazer Team
More than they seem ♪
♪ Not just to form
an alien kicking ass machine ♪
♪ I don’t think anyone
expected them to save the day
for you and me ♪
♪ I don’t think anyone
expected them to spell
Lazer with a “Z” ♪
♪ It’s the Lazer Team
It’s not a dream ♪
♪ The most important battle
that the planet’s seen ♪
♪ It’s the Lazer Team
More than they seem ♪
♪ Not just to form
an alien kicking ass machine ♪
[rock music playing]♪ The aliens came
and they said to me ♪
♪ You’re gonna kick ass
in this galaxy ♪
♪ They gave me the tools
that I need to win ♪
♪ So listen to my song
and let the tale begin ♪
♪ Arrange a battle
We’ll be heading your way ♪
♪ It’s on you
to save your planet’s
what the aliens say ♪
♪ They gave me the suit
and then returned to the sky ♪
♪ And said
you really gotta win
or everyone’s gonna die ♪
♪ I got one job to do ♪♪ Save the world
Save the world ♪
♪ And I’ll be so cool ♪♪ And I will get the girl
and bask in fame ♪
♪ And everyone
will know the name ♪
♪ Lazer Team ♪♪ I’m gonna drop your punk ass
with a laser beam ♪
♪ Let it stream ♪♪ No hero, I agree,
but I’m here to save you now ♪
♪ Safety helmets
are for kids on bikes ♪
♪ Being brainy’s cool
but I’m the one that
brings ’em the likes ♪
♪ Yes, you can block
and your boots can run ♪
♪ But I’m the one
who’s gonna blow it up
’cause I got the gun ♪
♪ I got one job to do ♪♪ Save the world
Save the world ♪
♪ And I’ll be so cool ♪♪ And I know
that there’s no “I” in team ♪
♪ But the “Z” in Lazer
must be me ♪
♪ Lazer Team ♪♪ I’m gonna drop your punk ass
with a laser beam ♪
♪ Let it stream ♪♪ No hero, I agree,
but I’m here to save you now ♪
♪ Tonight, before the
morning light shines ♪
♪ Tonight
Oh, tonight ♪
♪ I’ll beat the Worg
and save your life ♪
♪ And it’s not that
I don’t want to bang you ♪
♪ I absolutely do ♪♪ But I also like you ♪♪ I’m gonna try to
be a stud that’s true ♪
♪ Lazer Team ♪♪ I’m gonna drop your punk ass
with a laser beam ♪
♪ Let it stream ♪♪ No hero, I agree,
but I’m here to save you now ♪
[orchestral score playing]

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