NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic.
I remember it so you don’t have to. Hilary Swank. You may remember her from Boys
Don’t Cry, Million Dollar Baby, and my personal favorite dramatic
performance followed by death. Hilary Swank (NC impression): Yay, I’m finally a complete person. [dies] NC: Yes, it’s true that Hilary Swank certainly dies in a lot of movies, but it’s very rare that an entire movie dies even before you pronounce the title. Let’s try it. The Next Karate– [someone off-screen groans and collapses on the floor] NC: You see? NC: Now some of you might be saying “What? When do they make another Karate Kid movie? I don’t remember that.” Well, if you take your copy of Karate Kid Part III and simply turn it around… Bingo! Karate Kid 4! NC: That’s right, this film is so bad that it couldn’t even get its own DVD release. It had to be teamed up with the other piece of shit Karate Kid sequel just to see the light of day. NC: So what’s wrong with one of Hilary
Swank’s very first movies? Well, let’s go over a little history first. The first Karate Kid came out in 1984. It started Ralph Macchio as Daniel-san and that guy from Happy Days (Pat Morita)
as Mr. Miyagi. It’s now sort of a standard story. It’s about a kid who gets beat up by bullies
and this over-the-top teacher, so he learns karate
from a quirky but wise karate master. His methods are strange, but
effective, and at the end the kid finally proves himself by fighting against the bullies
in tournament. Standard, but enjoyable. The sequel was a little different. Miyagi and Daniel go to Okinawa, so Miyagi can visit his dying father
and make amends with his angry brother. It wasn’t as good as the first, but it wasn’t half bad. Even though it had its schmaltzy moments,
it continued the story. It wasn’t just a cheap retread of the original. That was left for the third movie,
and this one flat out sucked. It was the same story as the first one
—same character, same plot threads— the only thing that was different was instead of one hammy over-the-top villain, you had two, who put all their business aside for revenge. Literally! They say that! Terry Silver: Margaret, I’m going to be working full-time on this from now on. Full-time. For the next few weeks my business is strictly revenge. Margaret: Everything is in place, sir. NC: Who the hell talks like that? Nobody calls up their secretary and says “Oh, by the way, cancel my meetings, I’m going to have a diabolical plan to destroy my archnemesis. Thanks, you’re a doll.” NC: Same set-up, same climax,
what a load of shit-shit platter. So you think that would be the worst Karate Kid movie, right? Well, just a mere five years later they tried to cash in
with another karate chop to my nuts in their latest and final sequel, The Next Karate Kid. Well, I think I’ve built up the shitstorm long enough.
Let’s take a look. NC: So it starts off with Mr. Miyagi accepting some sort of army unit citation, along with the wife of one of his old army buddies, Louisa. They catch up on old times, talk about…
Chinese food or something, when we’re introduced to the karate brat herself. Louisa: Julie, this is Mr. Miyagi.
He was a friend of your grandfather. Julie: Hi. NC: Hey, show some respect! He came all the way from Karate Kid Part III for this! Louisa: I want you to talk to him. Julie: You invited him here, you talk to him. Louisa: Where are you going? SUSAN! Julie: My name is Julie! My mother’s name was Susan! She was killed in a car accident with my father
and they’re both dead! [drum roll] NC: And the award for
“Worst Exposition Ever to be Uttered in a Movie” is… The Next Karate Kid! [applauds] You suck! NC: I mean… WOW! That was just painful! How much more forced could you possibly get? Julie: My name is Julie! My mother’s name was Susan! She was killed in a car accident with my father
and they’re both dead! [Spaceballs]
Dark Helmet: Everybody got that? NC: So where does angry troubled Julie sneak off to in the middle of the night? Well, I’m sure she’s part of a gang or something
or some sort of criminal drug ring or some kind of illegal underground fighting or… something else to make the real payoff look unbelievably stupid. She breaks into her school —which is ironic, because most kids trying to break OUT of school— and she spends her time feeding a bird. NC: Oh, no! NC: Really? This is the height of her troubled teendom? Feeding a hawk with a damaged wing? Unless she’s gotta use it for cockfighting,
that’s not very impressive. But Boston’s doughiest arrive on the scene
as they try to stop her illegal bird feeding. NC: I love this scene. Watch. Cop #1: Look out! NC: Yeah, shine a light on the people
you don’t want to find you and then throw it at them
so that you can’t see where you’re going. Now, technically you could argue
that she’s trying to distract them away from the bird, but… why doesn’t she just drop it off
at ’em back to begin with? What is she, Karate Kid, M.D.? I mean, it makes no sense. Cop #2: Come on! [chuckles] NC: What, they just stop? Who sent these guys? They’re about as fit as a morbidly obese fiddle! NC (as Cop #2): Don’t make me run!
I’m filled with pork chops and syrup! NC: So, in a sort of strange foreign exchange program, Susan (Louisa) leaves Boston to go to California, while Mr. Miyagi leaves
California to look after Julie… makes sense to me. Mr. Miyagi: Miyagi pick up you here this afternoon,
okay, Julie-san? Mr. Miyagi: Sayonara! NC: Gee, I wonder if this is the villain. NC: Yeah? NC: Yeah? NC: Just because you can hold on a shot
doesn’t mean you should! NC: Cut! Ned: Morning, Julie. NC: So she’s approached by one of the bad guys,
who, of course, you can tell as a bad guy because we always wears a black shirt. Ned: It can get you into little trouble. Or I could pick you up tomorrow night and take you down to the docks. You’ve been to the docks, haven’t you, Julie? Julie: Dream on. Ned: Hey! Most girls in this school like me. Now you’re lucky to get an invitation. NC: Typical teen love story. Boy meets girl, boy challenges girl to fight on docks… something’s not right about that. NC: So it turns out that psycho kid is working
for the strange sort of school security called Alpha Elite. They’re nice people
if you compare them to the Third Reich. Dugan: Some kid drops a candy wrapper, you make them pick it up and eat it. NC: That’s both… odd and cruel. NC: Their coach, who is actually
named Colonel Dugan, partakes in normal after-school activities, like punching his students in the face,
kicking them in the gut and just flat out choking them. Dugan: When the enemy’s weakest,
that’s when you destroy them. NC: Aaaaand his ass will be fired. NC: But for the lazy convenience of the story
let’s just go with it. One of the students is named Eric, ♫ who Julie has a crush on! ♫ Ned: Hey, Colonel Dugan told me
to take Julie Pierce to her next class. Any problems? Eric: No. Ned: No? Good. Don’t forget she’s mine. NC (as Ned): She’s mine to… beat and/or make my girlfriend. Eric finds out about Julie’s first-degree bird feeding and so he toys with her about
whether or not he’s gonna tell anyone. Julie: If anyone finds out about Angel,
they’re gonna take her away. Eric: Is that what you call her? Angel? How do you know she’s a girl? Julie: Will you just answer the question? Look, I’m not getting out of this car
until you tell me what you’re gonna do. Eric: Fine. NC (as Eric): This is how I kidnapped
all my other girlfriends, so go ahead. Eric: Hey, do you like my car? It’s an Oldsmobile 442. Julie: It’s just a car. Eric: “It’s just a car”? Does Michael Jordan just play basketball? NC: Yes! Have you seen him play baseball? NC: So after they form some sort of bond, I guess, Mr. Miyagi and Julie find that
they don’t quite get off on the right foot. Mr. Miyagi: Miyagi also talk to people, your teachers, bring home homework you miss for three weeks. Julie: Don’t order me around. I told you this morning I know where I’m going in my life and I don’t need any math problems to get there. NC (as Mr. Miyagi) How about this math problem? What does one fist plus your face equal? Mr. Miyagi: Julie-san! Julie: Will you just stay out of my life? Stop telling me what to do! Mr. Miyagi: Not try tell you nothing,
try teach you something. Julie: Teach me? Look at you! You can’t even speak English! NC: Ow! Bitch! That is Mr. Miyagi! You do not diss Mr. Miyagi! He’s like Yoda; he could snap his fingers,
and your brain when fucking explode! [car horn] NC: Nail that whore! NC: There, now. You see?
It’s not nice to mess with Mr. Miyagi. God tried to smoke you. Hope you’re happy. Mr. Miyagi: You not hurt? Julie: I said I was OK! Nc (as Julie): I’m gonna run back into the house
I was originally running away from! Julie: Go ahead, do what my grandmother does. Tell me I made another mistake. “Julie, you’re so thoughtless,
Julie, you lost your temper again”. NC (as Mr. Miyagi): Okay, then what? Mr. Miyagi: Julie-san, Miyagi not need say nothing. Julie: You’re not gonna say anything? learn what jump into Tiger Mr. Miyagi: Where you learn that? Julie: Learn what? Mr. Miyagi: Jump into tiger position
when car almost hit you. NC: So she tells him that
her father used to teach her karate, which is funny because Mr. Miyagi used to
teach her father kara— Hey, wait a minute! Mr. Miyagi: Anger no bring them back. Julie: It wasn’t right that they were killed. Mr. Miyagi: Death not fair to anyone. But, still, we must live our lives. Julie: I used to see them so bright in my mind, so clear. Now all I have are these photographs. NC (as Mr. Miyagi): Look, I’m running out
of the fortune cookie sayings. Can we just cut to the sports montage? Julie: I thought maybe you could give me a few lessons. Mr. Miyagi: You pay Miyagi, take four homework paper, payment one karate lesson. Julie: Let’s start right now. Mr. MiyagI: Good. First we wax the car. This hand wax on… NC: Oh, here we go a— Julie: Forget it, I’m not waxing anybody’s car. NC: gain… Mr. Miyagi: Ah, but first we wax the car ,
and we work the engine. Julie: You know what? I don’t think
you know anything about girls. NC (as Julie): I’m gonna be a boy from now on,
nobody will take that the wrong way. Mr. Miyagi: Boys easier. NC: So she sees past the “wax on, wax off” bull-dookey, But Miyagi instead hires her on to
be a babysitter next door. Julie: Hey! Hey! NC: And three dead children later,
Julie has learned a valuable lesson. Mr. Miyagi: Babysitting some time good exercise
for karate student, Julie-san. Julie: Well, then do I learn
how to break boards and stuff like that? Mr. Miyagy: Why break boards? What boards do to you? NC (as Julie): Hey, a board was driving the car
that killed my family, okay? NC: So she breaks out again
for her [gasps] bird feeding, as it turns out there’s a few friends waiting for her. Ned: Cops said it was a girl. Let’s go! [Return of the Jedi]
Admiral Ackbar: It’s a trap! [creepy sound effect] Ned: Julie… what’s going on? NC (as Ned): We’re gonna bust you for
breaking into the school, even though we’re technically
breaking into the school to bust you. NC: But Julie escapes,
as the tight shirt boys track her down. Ned: There’s no way out, Julie! Let’s just talk! Let’s try to be friends, Julie! [randomly grabs a chair and throws it into other chairs] NC: Friends that trash school property,
even through they’re hired to protect it. God, these guys make no sense. NC: Will you stop throwing your flashlight?
It’s not a damn gas bomb! Ned: I’ll see you at the docks! NC: So Julie gets in trouble again
and is kicked out of school for two weeks. So Mr. Miyagi decides to take this time to take her to some monks
to teach her the true ways of karate. But before they get there,
they have to go through a few more stock a-holes who can start a fight if you just sneeze wrong.
she’s my don’t turn them into a dance Trucker: Look at my dog. Turn him into a damn chicken! Julie: Come on, let’s just get out of here. Trucker: You ain’t going nowhere until I say so. [epic karate fighting] NC: That wasn’t really as much karate as puppetry,
but I guess I’ll take it. Julie: That was great, Mr. Miyagi! Mr. Miyagi: Not great.
Miyagi always look for a way not to fight. Miyagi hate fighting. NC (as Mr. Miyagi): And yet somehow
I do it in all four films. Bad luck, I guess. NC: So they get to the monastery or…
whatever the hell this place is, as Miyagi tries to teach Julie her first move. Mr. Miyagi: Make round kick, land on Okinawa. [The Price Is Right loser horns] Julie: That’s impossible. [The Empire Strikes Back]
Yoda: That… is why you fail. NC: So she goes to eat with the monks, when she suddenly spots a cockroach. Julie: What? What’s the problem? Mr. Miyagi: Within monastery walls nothing is ever killed. Julie: What a stupid rule. NC (as Mr. Miyagi): Oh no, you di’in’t! Julie: What are you doing? Mr. Miyagi: Miyagi don’t live in monastery, Julie-san, but still respect all living things. NC (as Mr. Miyagi): Now, if you will excuse me, there’s a fly I have to crush with my chopsticks. NC: So after the HORRIFIC attempt at cockroach murder they decide to eat separately from Julie, afraid that her Nike of Doom
will harm yet another innocent animal. NC (as Monk #1): Cockroach killer. NC (as Monk #2): Whore. NC (as Monk #3): Slut! NC (as Monk #4): I do not know you. NC: But it’s OK,
because she brings a mantis into the monastery, and I guess that makes everything better somehow. Julie: Sorry I tried to kill the cockroach. Look. NC (as the monk): And what do you have the—? AHH! A mantis! [thud] I hate fucking mantises! NC: So the training continues
as she is taught to fight obstacles without any vision. Julie: Come on, Mr. Miyagi!
How can I block an attack if I can’t see? Mr. Miyagi: Then you use ear, nose, skin. Learn to use all senses. [A New Hope]
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Your eyes can deceive you. Don’t trust them. NC: Okay, I swear that’s the last Star Wars clip. Scout’s honor. NC: So he continues to show her how to defend herself
against bags and catcher’s mitts until they finally decide she’s ready to leave, but not before one last bit of
bullshit that they have to go through. Mr. Miyagi: Your gift is demonstration of Zen archery. If master small thing, anything become possible. NC (as Mr. Miyagi): I just shit myself. NC: So she finally gets to go back to school, and what’s the first thing she wants to do? [Mary Poppins]
Michael Banks: I want to feed the birds! NC: That’s right, feed her damn bird! But Mr. Miyagi suggests
that maybe it’s time to let the hawk go. Mr. Miyagi: Now release. Julie: Mr. Miyagi… Mr. Miyagi: Julie-san. Maybe if you believe, Angel believe too. NC (as Mr. Miyagi): Yes, throw her into the water. If she flies, then she was ready to fly. If she falls… then she was a witch. NC: So, of course, she flies away, and just in time, too. The dance is coming up! And not only is Mr. Miyagi teaching her
the latest dance moves, but he also managed to get a dress for her. Mr. Miyagi: Miyagi want you to go dance. Julie: How’d you know my size? Mr. Miyagi: That was very difficult part. NC: Now that’s a legitimate question. I mean, we got another
Roman Polanski on our hands or something? NC: So while Julie goes to dance with Eric, Miyagi and his monk friends go bowling. Wow, saying that outloud made me realize
just how stupid that sounds. Bowling Player: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Don’t touch this ball, alright? This ball costs serious money. Monk: Don’t understand English. Bowling Player: Look, don’t talk either. Mr. Miyagi: What the problem? Bowling Player: Don’t breathe, don’t move. I don’t want any distractions. NC: Okay, how come every person
in a Karate Kid movie is an asshole? I mean, it’s like “Hi, how are you doing?” “What, you wanna start something? You wanna start something? Come on, big boy! Come on!” [gets punched out] NC: So of course they beat them at bowling
and make their way home. Meanwhile, at the dance, Julie and Eric
are getting nice and friendly until… Female Student: Look! NC: What? Eric: You alright? Student Security Guard: That Dugan said it’d be alright. Ned: Leave him alone, McGowen. NC: What… just… happened? Eric: This is real smart, Ned. I think you broke your buddy’s arm here. Ned: At least he was brave enough to try it. NC: Try what?! Acting like a moron?! Ned: Why don’t you just mind your business? Nc: I’m… so confused. I mean… I-I honestly have no idea what that was! They’re bungee jumping in the middle of the dance, and what… what is that? Julie: None of that would’ve happened
if it hadn’t been for me. NC: I’m still not sure what happened! I mean, come on, movie! Was it…
extreme bobbing for apples? Were they doing one of the Jackass stunts? What? WHAT? NC: But there’s no time to explain, or, at least, the movie thinks there’s no time to explain, as the bad guys challenge Eric to a… duel, I guess. Where? Where else? The docks! Finally we get to see these damn docks. They’ve been hyped up so much! Ned: I didn’t think you were gonna show! Dugan: Remember the bullring, McGowen? Light it. Nc: What the-? They blew up a car?! What is with these people? It’s is school security,
not fuckin’ gangland! Dugan: Now it’s payback time. NC: Okay, did anyone do
a background check on that guy? Dugan: Finish him off. NC: IT’S SCHOOL SECURITY! YOU WRITE… HALL PASSES
AND SEND PEOPLE TO LUNCH! WHERE DOES IT SAY MURDER IS PART OF THE JOB?! Dugan: What are you all looking at?
What do you think I’ve been training you for? NC (as a student guard): Manslaughter, of course. NC: This looks like a job
for a teenage girl and an old Asian man! Mr. Miyagi: Come. We go. Ned: What? What, are you kidding me? Julie: Lemme fight him! Eric: No. Ned: You wanna fight me? Mr. Miyagi: No fighting. Ned: She wants to fight me! Julie: Mr. Miyagi… if I’m ever gonna repect myself, I have to do this. Eric: No, no. Mr. Miyagi: Julie-san right. Now is time. NC: Wow. That took a lotta coaxing. NC (as Julie): “Mr. Miyagi, wanna fight him!” NC (as Mr. Miyagi) “No.” NC (as Julie): “But I really want to!” NC (as Mr. Miyagi): Good point. NC (as Julie): *karate noises* Mr. Miyagi: All over, Julie-san. Dugan: What are you talking about? The war is not over because one battle’s lost! NC: What war? Who are you? Where did you come from? Dugan: It’s not over. Mr. Miyagi: Then we finish. NC: Y’know, for a guy that doesn’t like fighting,
he sure does do it a lot. [epic karate fighting] NC (as Mr. Miyagi): I’m Mr. Miyagi, beyotch! Mr. Miyagi: Time put your lights out. NC: That’s right, Mr. Miyagi! Blow him away! [blows at Dugan] NC: Not quite what I had in mind, but OK! [Miyagi wins!] [Blowality!] Julie: We kicked some butt. Mr. Miyagi: Fighting not good, but if must fight, win. NC: So I have to give the movie some credit.
It’s nice enough not to have an epilogue. It just sorta stops, like, “Okay, we’ve tortued you long enough. You can go now”. NC: And thank God too, because it turns out
The Next Karate Kid was also the last Karate Kid. NC: They never made another movie sequel,
and thank heavenly Jesus, because these films simply got worse and worse
and worse. NC: But in all honesty, to the film’s credit, it did try, online audience. It did try. I’m the Nostalgia Critic.
I remember it so you don’t have to. NC: Okay, one more! [The Empire Strikes Back]
Yoda: Do. Or do not. There is no try. NC: Hee-hee-hee, I love that Muppet. Bye!