Critic: AAAH!! Aah! Aah! AAAAH!! Ugh… ugh, ugh! Kermit Devil: Nostalgia Critic!! Critic: Fuck! Kermit Devil: You will lead my army of Hell! Yaaaaayyyy!! Critic: Me? Wh…why me? Kermit Devil: Oh, I don’t know… your lack of leadership skills, your disinterest in working with other people, and most importantly, the fact that you went out in such an embarrassingly easy way. This makes you the Devil’s ultimate weapon! Yaaaaayyyy!! Critic: Dude, you’re not the Devil. Kermit Devil: I.. wh… I am so the Devil! Critic: Buddy, I served with the Devil. I knew the Devil. The Devil is a friend of mine. You, sir, aren’t no Devil. Kermit Devil: *sigh* Devil: Sorry… I knew that didn’t feel right. Critic: Mr. Zebub, what is this? What’s with this crazy plan and that fake dollar store Muppet? Devil: I just feel like I’m not as popular as I used to be, what with people thinking I spend all of my time in elevators and such. So, I looked up what people consider to be a “cool” Devil, and everyone pointed to “Spawn.” Critic: Wait.. Did you look up the comic book or the movie? Devil: ….movie. Critic: D’oh! Ya, doofus, you picked the wrong one!! That represents the original source material like Mario Bros. the movie represents the game! In fact, there’s a petition to get an apology to John Leguizamo for both films! Devil: Well, how was I supposed to know?! Critic: *scoff* You can tell just by looking at it! Based on the popular comic book series by Todd McFarlane, “Spawn” was made at the exact WORST time it could’ve been made. Where the internet would castrate this film for all the inaccuracies to the source material, this was at a time when comic book movies weren’t taken as seriously as they are now. How do I know this? Because it came out the exact same year as Batman and Robin Yeah… that’s the kind of dark age we’re looking at, people! Prepare for 9 circles of suck! Devil: So, this is what NOT to do… …to be a cool Devil. Critic: YES!! Devil: I’d better take notes. DON’T JUDGE ME! Critic: The film opens… Cogliostro: The battle between the darkness and the light has waged eternal… Critic: Hold on, what was that? Huh.. who was THAT guy? Waitaminute… go back! What’s going on? C… can’t you just g… Stop! Stop! Wh… What was goin’ on with… with… Cogliostro: Someone to lead his… Critic: Okay! Is this just.. drive-by cinema? They tell you the backstory in the length it takes to pass a stop light? “This was a movie named ‘Spawn,’ I hope you enjoyed it. Later!” “Buy the toys!” Oh, good. It looks like things are finally calming down… …like dynamite in your ass. This is our main character Al Simmons, played by Michael Jai White, who is an assassin who really can’t wait for drones to be made but is still doing a pretty good job with his implausible 90s technology. Cogliostro: Like him, I killed in the name of good. Critic: …and I’ve been in better films. Cogliostro: Now I watch for others like me…. Critic: So after they roll out the seizure credits– hey, if I worked on this, I’d want my name to be impossible to see– we cut to one of our villains, played by Martin Sheen, who reportedly always wanted to do a comic book movie. And for his sins, they gave him one. Wynn: All you have to do is keep certain agencies off my back. Clown: And when the big piñata breaks… …you’ll get it all. Critic: The other villain they’re keeping in shadows– even though you… QUITE CLEARLY SHOWED HIM A MINUTE AGO… hur hur!!– is called The Violator, played by John Leguizamo. Think an evil Sam Kinison if he was possessed by Krusty the Clown. Clown: This 5-year plan of yours just chaps my buttocks! Krusty: Anybody here have herpes? Huh? Huh? Critic: This is a character so evil that apparently, they put him on air fresheners! Wh.. wh… what? Blake: Make sure he’s back for dinner tomorrow night. Fitzgerald: I’ll do my best. Blake: Make sure he’s back for dinner tomorrow night, Terry. Critic: You’re not gonna address that, huh? No tie-ins, no explanation, just… the villain’s face is on an… air freshener. That… th… v… y… okay. I mean, why should I be bothered by that? It’s like if… Wolverine was reading a magazine with Magneto on the cover. Who needs an explanation?! Heck! I just assumed Hell had a successful side business of dashboard accessories! Devil: So… DON’T do that. Critic: Don’t do that! So Simmons seems happy with his wife and kid while literally slaughtering the competition, but little does he know he’s being watched… …by a… Listerine commercial. “I glow when I kill up to 97% plaque buildup.” Wynn: You will follow orders and do your job! Simmons: And I want out. Critic: Simmons says he’s done being an assassin, though, so Sheen gives him one last job and promises that he’ll let him out safe. I mean… come on! You can trust a guy who has scorpions in his ashtray, an assistant who carries tarantulas, and literally pictures of EXPLOSIONS on his wall! Who does this?! Who goes THAT far out of their way for this kind of crap? Even Skeletor–who lives in a giant skull–is like… “Okay, you need to take it down a notch there, buddy.” But Simmons is sabotaged by Sheen and his assistant, and they cover him in flammable Nickelodeon slime. Priest: Looks like I’m up for a promotion! Critic: He wakes up, confusingly, in an alleyway looking like a salami with Salieri’s face– A… “salameri”– as he comes across the man who was watching him before. “I’m still minty fresh.” Simmons: What are you looking at, old man? Critic: This is a dead knight played by Nicol Williamson, and even though he’s every clichéd mentor character known to man, he still manages to be a million flavors of awesome because he has the world’s coolest voice! Cogliostro: A new Spawn has emerged from the darkness while things on Earth… changed… in ways that will only feed his anger and desire for revenge. Critic: This guy could read the script to Beavis and Butthead, and it’d still sound amazing! “And Beavis smacked Butthead for getting a better view of the woman’s cleavage, to which he replied in vengeful anger, ‘Cut it out, butthole, I’m trying to score!'” But he must have been a heavy sleeper, as–apparently–it’s five years later, and he doesn’t realize that his family has moved on. Clown: Bad Crispy! Clown not like! He’s harmless! He’s safe as milk! Fitzgerald: Alright, that’s it. Just get your stuff, get outta here, and take him with you! Critic: “That’s the last time we use the John Wayne Gacy Clown Registry!” So, Violator is nice enough to bring Simmons up to speed… *fart* …in the most annoying way possible, of course. Clown: I guess 5 years feedin’ earthworms has eaten what little brain there was in there. Simmons: Rrrr! Critic: Maa-ha-haan, this is great. We already know he hates clowns. Clown: Well, allow me to kickstart your memory. Critic: So, he’s told that when he died 5 years ago, he was sent straight to Hell, and… ohh, I’m sorry… that’s… that’s a lotta lame. The Devil Malebolgia: If you lead my army you can see Wanda again. Simmons: Yes, I will lead your army! The Devil Malebolgia: Avenge your murder! Kill Jason Wynn! Devil: So this is… …NOT a good Hell. Critic: That was really just asked?! That was really just asked?! This is one of the lamest Hells ever designed! Not only does it look BEYOND fake for a big-budget movie, not only is it some of the laziest layout work for something that can be creative in its sleep, but this is the shittiest Devil ever! Literally! He looks like a giant piece of shit! If somebody sculpted a turd to look like a hyena with sea turtle dicks for ears covered in Ron Weasley’s pubes and the voice of Dr. Claw parading as the Lord of Darkness, I’d say, “What are you smoking? Give me some, and you’re fired!” I’d call it a cheap CGI puppet, except it’s not even a functioning puppet! The lips don’t even move when he talks! The Devil Malebolgia: I put you on Earth to make sure Spawn keeps his end of the bargain! Critic: This means that, technically, the Ninja Turtle Christmas Special had better effects because they at least made an attempt to have their lips move! This looks like Sauron’s pet chihuahua! Even the logic doesn’t make any sense! Look what’s said if Simmons fails in leading his army…. The Devil Malebolgia: If you fail me… you will die! Critic: Ai… j… b… HE’S ALREADY DEAD! He’s in Hell! Where else can you go from there?! Is there a… Hell for Hell? Is it a place just like this, except the lights flicker and there’s a leaky pipe?! Devil: Actually, there IS a Hell for Hell. Critic: Really? What is it? Announcer: Next on TMZ!!!! Critic: Ohhh… good choice. Devil: Mmmm…. Critic: Give yourself a “plus” for that, that’s… Devil: Yes…. Announcer (in background): TMZ!!! Critic: So, Simmons is shown where he’s buried, as he’s–funny enough– right next to a group of Satan worshipers, led by Guy Fieri! Punk #1: Did, like, Satan send you guys? Clown: How come God hogs up all the good followers, and we get all the retards? Critic: Oh, I don’t know. Have you seen Christian movies lately? Clown: Strike oil, half of it is mine! Start diggin’! Critic: Put a question mark down for that one. Devil: Why? Critic: Because sometimes in life, that’s all you can do. Oh, by the way, just to give you an idea of how bad the CGI is, you can actually see where the glowing effect is CUT OFF! No wonder Hell keeps losin’! They can’t even figure out how to crop an effect right! Simmons: Aagh!! Critic: But suddenly, Simmons starts to change. “Well, you look better in it than Topher Grace.” Clown: Spawn, General of Hell’s armies! Spawn: What have I done? Critic: No, really… what has he done? This movie is so backward-ly told, it’s impossible to follow it! Spawn: …when I get my hands on Wynn. Cogliostro: You’re letting them get to you. Critic: “Help me fight gingivitis.” Cogliostro: Every choice has its consequences. Critic: So, he’s sent to kill off Sheen’s character, who’s tied to a plague than can wipe out humanity. Gee… I guess… NOBODY SAW THAT COMING! As he gets ready to go to a party that… *chuckle* what… what… wha… wh… wh *chuckle* wh… wha… What is she wearing? Wynn: Ha ha ha! Priest: Was there ever any doubt? Wynn: Never. Devil: See, that’s what I thought you looked for in an assassin. Critic: No!! That’s not what you look for… Okay, do you have an assassin who dresses like that? Devil: Yeah. Critic: Bring her in here! I’m gonna show you how you react when you’re looking for a professional killer! Assassin: It’s time to load up and haul a… Critic: Next! Assassin: But you can’t turn me down like that! *scoff* Critic: Anybody who dresses like that is not gonna take their job seriously! Next! Assassin: What am I supposed to wear? Critic: Amor! Bulletproof vests! A mask to hide your face! Assassin: How are people supposed to know that I’m a woman? Critic: It doesn’t matter if you’re a woman! It’s actually better if they DON’T know you’re a woman, because then you’ll be harder to find! Christ! You’re as conspicuous as someone from “The Matrix!” Assassin: Wait, you didn’t like “The Matrix”? Critic: OUT! Assassin: But it was symbolic and meant stuff!! Critic: Here, I’m gonna put you in contact with a REAL professional! Benny? How fast can you get down here? Benny: I’m already here. Devil: I like him already. Critic: Sheen and the “assassinatrix” go to the party– where the dress code seems to be “Green Ranger”– when Simmons, now calling himself Spawn, does his first of many Batman ripoffs. Wow, that… SOOO looks like it’s there, doesn’t it? Can’t you just feel the texture of the… binary code? Spawn: You don’t recognize your own handiwork? Critic: “Red Skull?” “No, that’s a different comic company. I’m BACON SKULL!” Priest: Nice outfit, asshole! Critic: Look who’s talking, prosti-tart! It’s okay! The… camera was just making sure your ass still looks good. It does. Whoa! Now, that’s a chastity belt working overtime! “There’s no knockin’ this cock-in!” Priest: Aaah! Critic: The cops show up and try to take him down, but Spider-Ham isn’t gonna be caught so easily. “Set your guns to ‘Not Even Close!'” His cape disguises him as part of the building… …only to stop using it and have him be seen again. You know… for the guy who’s gonna lead the armies of Hell, he’s kind of a clumsy clod! “Oh, come on, guys! Stop firing at me! Oh, you are so gonna be enslaved! D’oh, I’m gonna go tell my weird Muppet Devil on you!” Paramedic: Gunshot wound to the head, doc! Doctor: Oh, she’s dead. Critic: Pssh… nice delivery there, guy. You literally had TWO words to say, and you couldn’t even make THOSE convincing! Doctor: Oh, she’s dead. Critic: “I gotta get some ribs. You guys want some ribs? I gotta get some ribs.” Clown: Oh, grow up, you sniveling ninny! Critic: But The Violator calls Sheen over to convince him to attach a device to his heart so that if it stops beating, the plague will be released. Clown: You don’t want any smartass fruitcake taking you out ahead of schedule. Wynn: That’s a good idea. I like that. Critic: “As a member of Hell, I know I can trust you. You seem like people who would have explosions on their wall, like me. That’s trustworthy, right?” Spawn goes to see his kid, who remembers him from earlier, but this scene is especially rushed so that we can make room for… Clown: Spawnie, Spawnie, he’s our man! If he can’t kill ’em, no one can! S to the P to the A to the AWN! S to the P to the A to the AWN! S to the P to the A to the AWN! Critic: Okay, so far… THIS is the scariest part of the movie! Not Hell, not weird aardvark Satan… this friggin’ part! Try closing your eyes. It’s so disturbing, you’ll see it even after they’re shut! Clown: S to the… Critic: Aaaah!!! Clown: Go Spawnie, go Spawnie…. Critic: Tell me your second-in-command doesn’t do stuff like that! Devil: Of course not! He just wears clown makeup, makes fart jokes, and sticks out like a sore thumb. Critic: Why would that be your second-in-command?! Devil: Because it’s… cool? Critic: Bring him in here! Assassin: Hey! What’s goin’ down? Critic: That’s so obviously the one from before! Assassin: No, I’m totally a dude! See, watch. I’ll write my name in the snow. See? Ha! Devil: Thanks, Benny. Critic: Told you he was good. Announcer: Next on TMZ!!! Assassin: Waaaaaah!! Critic: So, Sheen gets a Giga Pet attached to his heart which rigs it so that his death will set off the virus. Doctor: If your vital signs flatline for any reason, the device will uplink and detonate the Heat-16 bombs. No one would dare kill you. Critic: “And if you die in an accident or by natural causes….” This is why you get second opinions, right?! Clown: First I got Wynn to kill Spawn and create the Heat-16 bomb, now I get Spawn to murder Wynn and release the virus! Critic: Uh, yeah… here’s an idea… why don’t YOU kill him? Or… your Nintendo 64 Devil? Or ANY of his followers? Why does Spawn have to do it? Nothing about ANY of this makes any sense! The logistics of this plan are about as solid as Wile E. Coyote’s anatomy, and look about as animated!! Meanwhile, Spawn returns to blue lightning alley where—big surprise—he gets a little pissed off with the Clown. Spawn: You can take this army of yours and shove it! Clown: Sounds like a country song. “You take th’ army of yours ‘n’ shove it! You take….” Gambol: Enough from the clown! Clown: Aaah! Critic: He turns into a giant pumpkin head which— according to 90s logic—means he can’t talk anymore. He can just go “BRAAAARRAAARRRARRR!!” And of course, he also loses the personality we’ve seen throughout the rest of the movie. Why does that kind of thing always happen in these films? Is it just not as intimidating if you hear him go… “FAAAARTS!!” “POOOORRN!!” “CONFUSING CHEERLEADER DAAAANCE!!” “HOW IS MARIO MY FATHER AND YET ALSO MY BROTHERRRRR?!” He beats the crap out of Spawn, but Mr. Sir Knight is there to show him what he must do even if he’s resistant. Cogliostro: Guns are useless. Spawn: You got a better idea? Critic: *chuckles* Yup, yup. That’s, uh… pretty stupid. “I studied the ways of the Woody Woodpecker. Hoo-hoo-huh-haa-ha.” So, the knight decides to teach him how to hone his powers. Cogliostro: They’re a living extension of your own instincts. …alright, go! Don’t get cocky. You have a lot more to learn. Critic: Well, this is obviously the beginning of a LOT of practicing… Spawn: I have to get to Wanda’s. Cogliostro: Take care of your powers. Critic: Well… so much for the training montage! Come on! That’s the best part of any movie, and you’re just gonna skip it? What the hell’s wrong with you?! Wh… what if other films did that?! “Hit the bag!” “You’re good.” “Lift the rock.” “That’s enough.” “Wax on…” …”eh, the rest doesn’t matter.” Even when it’s explained, it doesn’t make any sense. Like, what does THIS mean?: Cogliostro: Take care of your powers. When you drain them, you die. Critic: You didn’t even explain the dying part very well, and now you’re saying his powers can drain? What kind of lame-ass Hell is this? Devil: No, no, it’s quite clear. When the powers of Hell start to run low, you just get one of these: Ahhh… the “E” stands for “Evil,” you know. Critic: Spawn goes after Wanda, but “Keep On Clownin'” is there to try and stop him. Clown: Ha ha ha! *war whoop* Critic: Ah, he must be using his “Hell Driving Powers” to steer the truck. Seriously, does Hell have an instruction book we can read?! But Spawn gets dipped resulting in Violator trying to kill him, but somehow… this happens: Clown: See you at Wanda’s! Ha ha ha!! Critic: “Yeah, I kinda keep forgetting how I work. Sometimes I can fly, sometimes I don’t feel pain. I’m really wondering why we hired you if I could do all this stuff anyway!” So, Sheen and Violator get to Wanda’s house, and they hold the family hostage until Spawn gets there. Clown: Hello, Cyan, remember me? Booga booga booga booga! Ah-la-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-la! Critic: Yup… somebody okayed that effect, folks! I think this movie really underestimates the value of saying “no.” Clown: Big as life, and twice as rotten! Ridi, Pagliaccio! Critic: “I have other leftover effects from ‘The Mask,’ if you’d like to see ’em.” The Devil Maleboldia: Ha ha ha ha! Critic: “Uh… was that meant to be left in? Kinda looked like an editing error…. Okay! Well, I’m just gonna keep walkin’, here. Hope you fix that in post.” Wynn: Either you join Hell’s army, or she dies. Spawn: Nooo!! Critic: So it looks like Sheen kills Wanda, which of course is supposed to trick Spawn into killing him. So Spawn takes the device out of his heart and destroys it— just… new Hell Power 361— as it’s revealed that Wanda was just a decoy played by Violator. Wynn: You set me up! Clown: I was counting on Spawn killing you, then you would get his soul and kickstart the apocalypse now! Critic: Yes. I’ll rewind that to make sure you heard it correctly. Clown: …kickstart the apocalypse now! Critic: Can I get all of Hell to collectively “boo” with me? I got a feeling that’d be a pretty epic “boo.” Devil: I don’t see why not. Critic, Devil, & all of Hell: BOOO!!! BOOO!!! Critic: The knight saves the real Wanda, and they follow Violator into Hell. And yeah, if you thought the effects looked lame before, Get a load of this PS1 bullshit! Cogliostro: Aaaaaaaaaaah!! Critic: Triangle! Triangle! Push the triangle!! D’oh, I need a character with big boobs! This doesn’t feel right if there isn’t a character with square, pixelated boobs! Violator: *screams in agony* Critic: Oh! So… stabbing them in the neck causes them to… explode. Jesus Christ! Do I need to take notes? I think Mogwais have less rules than this! The Devil Malebolgia: If you won’t lead my army, then you must die!! Critic: *chuckles* What is THIS guy doing? Did one of the Spawns suddenly have a seizure? “Whooo-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl!! I’m Crazy Spawn! I’m Crazy Spawn! Hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo! Ha ha ha ha ha!! The Devil Malebolgia: You will never escape me! Critic: “Oh, drat! He escaped me! I’m a really dumb Devil! I put no thought into any of this! ANY OF THIS!!” Oh, no, of course! When you explode into green particles, that just enables you to travel via fireplace and put yourself together via bookshelf! Everybody knows this about Hell! Clown/Violator: You’ll pay for this! Spawn: Give my regards to your boss. Tell him he’s next. Critic: “I’ll slow his rendering to ‘Food Fight’ quality. ‘FOOD FIGHT’ QUALITY!” “Don’t worry, kids. ‘Blade’ will be out soon.” So, now that you know the movie WASN’T popular when it came out, what are your thoughts on it? Devil: I think it’s “The Crow” and “Darkman’s” sloppy seconds. Critic: That’s more like it! The sad thing is, there really IS good stuff in it. Leguizamo is kinda fun, the idea is pretty cool, and the makeup in it is friggin’ phenomenal! These are the same people who did “Walking Dead” and the “Evil Dead” movies, so we know Spawn and Violator are never gonna look as good as this, which is why it hurts so much when it’s mixed in with so many awful effects. And backwards storytelling. And clumsy editing! This could have been a really damn cool movie, but even when the fight scenes come up, you care so little about why they’re fighting that it becomes so hard to get invested. It’s a shame some really hard work from the costumes and makeup have to be overshadowed by the crappy laziness in other departments. In an age where we love to give sequels to anything, you can see clearly why “Spawn” stands alone. So, you think you learned what works & what doesn’t work when it comes to Hell? Devil: I think so. If I’m going to take over the world, I’m going to do it MY way. Critic: That’s the spirit! Oh! Well… that was fun! I oughta travel to Hell more often. Devil: Citizens of Earth, I am the Devil. The uprising of Hell has begun. Critic: Ooh, yeah, I forgot he was doing that. Devil: There is no salvation. No pleading for mercy. Critic: Yeah, I probably shouldn’t have given him those pointers. Devil: Prepare to face my army of destruction! Kermit Soldier: We’re going to kill you all! Yaaaaayyyy!! Kermit Soldiers (singing): Look at us, here we are, right where we belooooong! Critic: *sigh* Maybe it won’t be as bad as I thought. I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to! Assassin: Yeah! Ha ha! I love ALF! Ha ha ha! Woo! Ha ha! Like, ribbit! Ah ha ha ha ha! Oh my God! Kermit Soldiers: Yaaaaayyyy!! Clown: …kickstart the apocalypse now! Doug: Hey, everybody! Doug Walker here, doin’ the charity shoutout, and this week, we are doing the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, also known as “LLS.” This is the world’s largest voluntary health organization dedicated to funding blood cancer research, education, and patient services. Their mission is to cure Leukemia, Lymphoma, Hodgkin’s Disease, and improve the quality of life of patients and their families. Since their first funding in 1954, they’ve been awarded more than $680 million in research funding. If you look at their YouTube videos, you can see that not only has this organization made a big difference in people’s lives, but the research has even helped save lives. If you go to their site or their YouTube channel, you can see all the good this charity is doing, from fundraising, to triathlons, to so much more. Definitely go check it out and see if we can find a cure for these terrible diseases in our lifetime.